Violet Adrenaline [Watty Awards 2013]

Prologue

‘Sometimes I even cut myself to see how much I bleed. It’s like adrenaline; the pain is such a sudden rush for me.’

My life is like an Eminem song, I try to stay strong but then I am suddenly dragged down by an invisible force that pulls me and pulls me in to the deepest depths of the darkness that we call depression.

I’ve been to a doctor, she said I was just being a teenager, that at some point I will get over this “phase”. It’s not a phase, this is me, and I will never forget the events that lead me to this life, how could I forget? It was etched in to my mind. The memories of the ordeal were about as clear as the memory of my appearance, it would never leave me.

None of my family or friends knew the pain I go through every day, I put on a good face for them. I didn’t want them to hurt along side of me. I’m not an unpopular girl but I certainly wasn’t popular. I wasn’t bullied at school or anything like that and I had many friends to help me in life. But sometimes it just wasn’t enough. I couldn’t tell them why, so why tell them at all?

I slide my razor across my wrist, creating yet another gash, turning my wrist over I watched intently as my blood drops down and splashes on my cold, tiled bathroom floor. The blood takes away the pain, only for a little while, but it’s better than nothing.

Scars cover many different places on my body, the only signs of my downfall. Some people may say my scars are ugly, but I love and cherish every single one of them, because at one point or another they kept me sane.

I didn’t want to be depressed all the time; it was just that I couldn’t stop the feelings inside of me.  Sometimes I tried to be genuinely happy but then thoughts of the accident would trickle in to my mind. I know I can’t keep living like this, I needed help.

My name is Hazel, and this is the story of how I Iearned to live again.