One Kiss Later (K. Baudelaire)

Chapter 6

Candie

"The whole school is falling for the treachery of an un hinged villain." Violet worries. "That always happens at pep-rallies." Duncan explains. Klaus thinks for a moment then speaks, "This might be our only chance to stop him. Sunny, stay here." He says. "Klaus, no. you might make it worse." I say pleading. "I'll take that chance." He says as he and Violet walk up to the stage. " Everyone listen please!" Violet says. "How dare you interrupt a genius!" Vice Principal Nero says, obviously offended. "And his guest violinist." Count Olaf says. "This man is not a genius. This man is an imposter." Violet informs everyone. "The term is 'improviser.'" Vice Principal Nero wrongly states.

"This so-called gym teacher is the notorious villain Count Olaf. And as long as he's at Prufrock Preparatory, nobody is safe." Violet continues to warn. "That's not true. You're jealous." Carmelita claims, "Vice Princy, throw them off the stage, and I'll start my dace over with extra twirls." I turned to the Quagmires and rolled my eyes. They did the same. "Well said, adorable cheerleader." Count Olaf says. "This man is Count Olaf. We can prove it." Klaus says confidently. "The Baudelaires seem like honest and decent people." Ms. Caliban says, standing up to make herself visible. "I think we should listen to what they have to say."

"Count Olaf, who is wanted by the authorities for suspicion of fraud, theft, murder and child endangerment." Violet claims. "And arson." A random man said. "Who has one eyebrow instead of two." Violet continues. "Why, there's nothing wrong with being bushy." Vice Principal Nero defends, If I open my shirt now, you-" "If Count Olaf took off his turban-" Violet continues, reaching for his turban only for Count Olaf to grab her hand to stop her. "Isn't she marvelous, everybody?" Count Olaf asks for confirmation.

"I'm afraid my own glorious eyebrows will remain hidden underneath this turban, which I wear for Religious reasons." Count Olaf defends. "And what religion might that be?" Klaus questions. Count Olaf looks around trying to come up with an answer. Then a man with hooks for hands randomly, "Reconstructionist Judaism." the man says trying to be helpful. "Reconst.... Yes, that" He mumbled. "I would never ask you to remove your turban, coach." Vice Principal Nero says apologetically, "I am against religious persecution, but I can't speak for the orphans."

"Olaf can also be identified by the tattoo of an eye on his ankle." Klaus interjects. I look to the Quagmires. "Did he have a tattoo on his ankle?" I ask them. "We didn't get a good look at his ankle. Just his face." Isadora explains. "My body is a temple young man." Count Olaf justifies, "I would never sully my skin the way so many young people do nowadays with their hedonistic lifestyle of loud music and abstinence." "Then why do you take off your shoes and prove it?" Violet questions. "Absolutely not." Count Olaf rejects. "Is that for religious reasons, too?" Klaus asks. "No, it's because taking your shoes and socks off is gross." Count Olaf says.

"We can compare Genghis to the photograph of Olaf in The Daily Punctilio." Klaus suggests. "You sound like a boring librarian." Vice Principal Nero states. I roll my eyes. "Plus, we don't need newspapers now that we have our own advanced computer system." Vice Principal Nero states. "O. uh, you mean that computer?" Count Olaf asks, starting to sweat. Klaus noticed it too, "He's sweating. He's nervous."

I turn to the Quagmires again. "If the program is used to identify Count Olaf, but Count Olaf is in disguise, will it still detect it?" I ask Duncan and Isadora. "We'll have to wait and see." Duncan says unsure, grabbing my hand.

"No, no I'm not, I just have naturally leaky pores." Count Olaf says. "Will you and your pores please stand in front of this very expensive electronic device and just clear this whole thing up once and for all?" Vice Principal Nero says ushering Count Olaf closer to the machine. "I... mmm, this reminds me of a story." He starts.

Then the Baudelaires push the Advanced Computer System toward Count Olaf. I crossed my fingers that it would work. Count Olaf shuddered as the computer read his facial structure. The machines beeps. "This is not Count Olaf." the machine speaks.

The Baudelaires sigh. "See? Vice Principal Nero says, giving the Baudelaires a condescending look. "Yeah, see?" Count Olaf says, "I think this calls for a little democracy. My second favorite style of government. How many of you want to hear more tiresome accusations hurled at an innocent man from orphans?" "Investigate further!" Duncan exclaimed "We demand that this issue get further scrutiny!" Isadora yells out. "And who here wants to hear about an exciting new program that is sure to blast your school spirt out of your blowhole?" He asks.

Everyone cheers except the Quagmires and I. "Students! Faculty! Don't worry if every exercise program fails you because I am here to fail you more by outing the 'whip' back into 'whip you into shape.' Everyone, get on your feet, and let's try something that I invented one lonely night at a truck stop, called jumping jacks. Here we go ready?" I groan in annoyance. "One! Two! Okay. All right. All right. Let's cool it down lets cool it down." Count Olaf says as he hurts his leg, "We don't want to ham up the old hamstrings. Whoa!" He says still in pain. He continues to groan in pain. Me and Duncan exchange looks. "Oh, God, can someone say, 'Class dismissed for ice water and some deep breaths'"? He says holding on to a random person. "I know. I'll be okay. I just need a second." Count Olaf says still groaning in pain. "But the..." one of the people starts. "What?" Count Olaf intercepts.

"O-oh, Yes! Yes! Once last thing, everybody. As anyone who has been to junior college knows orphans tend to have unsound bodies," Count Olaf says. I lean closer to Duncan, "Does he mean high school?" I whisper to him. "I'm not sure" he says turning to face me. He strokes some hair behind my ear. I smile at him and look back at the stage. "which leads to paranoia, delusion and untapped wealth. That's why I have developed the Special Orphans Running Exercises, or S.O.R.E for short, which I will be offering to a few select students. Will all the orphans in the house stand?" He asks.

I'm not an orphan. but I stood up anyway. If my friends go down... I'm going down with them. The Quagmires sit up promptly. So did Sunny. I heard someone move behind me. It was Ms. Caliban. I just prayed Carmelita won't see me or she'd call me out. "You, and... oh, you. And little baby secretary I've heard so much about. "The three of you will report to the athletics field at sundown and every night until further notice." Count Olaf says devilishly. "This does not excuse you from missing my nightly violin recital or you're going to owe me a lot of candy." Vice Principal Nero states. Of course it doesn't.

"That's the sort of leadership I was talking about." Count Olaf says, pointing to vice Principal Nero. "You sir are a genius." Vice Principal Nero smiles, flattered. "You're a genius for noticing." Vice Principal Nero gushes. "You're the genius for saying so." Count Olaf gushes back. "You're a genius for agreeing." Vice Principal Nero smiles. "All right, I'm the genius." Count Olaf says finally. "Drat! Everybody is dismissed! This pep rally is over.

Everybody got up from their seats and walked away, except me and the Quagmires. I walked up closer to the stage. "Whatever you are planning Count Olaf we will put a stop to it." Violet yells, stepping forward. "Really? Because it seems to me if you had the skills to stop me we wouldn't be having this little batch of episodes in your new lives." Count Olaf threatened. "Oh, orphans, your parents really taught you nothing at all." Klaus stepped forward, "They taught us to survive." Count Olaf smirked. "Well, I guess those who can't do, teach." He said evilly, "See you at sundown."

Count Olaf walked off and the Quagmires and I walked over to them. "Is no one going to tell me who Count Olaf is, and why he's after the Baudelaires?" Klaus walked up to me. "Meet me at the Library door at 5:15. I'll tell you everything." Klaus promised. "Okay."