Sisters torn apart by the fragility of the heart, how can love possibly hurt so much?
Hana Junaid decided two years ago, distance would make her younger sister Hanaan more independent but Hanaan's love and yearning for Hana during this time has drow...
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Voice Recording 03
Recorded: 22nd July Monday
Nǐn hǎo, Hana!
Are you irritated by my voice yet?
Well if you're still listening on, it must not be because you miss me too much but rather because you're searching for answers that you can't get from me directly and it just so happens that I recorded them for you because I think we all deserve answers, should not die yearning for them and this I learnt from a particular redhead close to us. So I'm recording it all here for you. I got this idea from Dadi who gave me her written will to safe keep about a year ago, she must have the reality of death clear in her mind.
I now have the reality of what I have done to you clear in my mind.
And yes, it is killing me.
So here's the thing, Nashwa had nothing to do with it.
Yes, she's always around, yes, she and I have been very much closer especially in these last two years and yes, she has some of the craziest, riskiest ideas up her sleeve like climbing the ledge on the side of our roof and grasping the mangoes on our neighbour's tree. But I'm not Nashwa's puppet and as naïve as I was on my own, I am my own person and mind yet still.
However so regretfully.
What I did, I did entirely on my own, I don't want you holding her accountable for this because Hana, while she resents you for being her father's sweet heart and you resent her for being so close to me, we're family, all three of us and Nashwa should not need to yearn to belong with us, she is one of us. If she wishes yet still, it means we have failed to make her feel belonged.
I know you don't like failing at anything.
I don't like to either even though I am a failure through and through.
And Nashwa didn't just lose her mother that night, she lost her father too. You'd think Ahmad Mamu would have held her closer to him after already losing the woman of his heart, he should have held onto their dear child but he didn't. Don't you think Nashwa wonders why he hates and avoids her so much? Don't you think Nashwa must question if she possibly had a role in her mother's death? Don't you think all this must make Nashwa hate herself too? Don't you think it kills her to live in a house she cannot call her own and look at us, so blessed with our privileges, our decorated room, our clothing brands, our cell phones, our happy rich lives and loving parents by our side while she could have so much from Ahmad Mamu's wallet but he does not even open his heart to her?
Go on, Hana.
I wonder if you bother these days, to look at the things I put on my wall but I recently put up a quote by Nikita Gill that says: Some people survive chaos and that is how they grow. And some people thrive in chaos, because chaos is all they know.
