feelings. ㅤ ( idol producer )

eight.

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eight.
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ㅤin the end, and luckily, i was able to get to the class with 'can't stop' on time. otherwise, i would probably have killed yanjun.

ㅤthe rehearsal was like all the others. the boys were really nice and i got along well with most of them, especially chengcheng and qin fen. they were both quite funny. although in general, everyone was amazing.

ㅤhowever, i could tell they were tired after all afternoon of rehearsal. that was why i tried not to be too hard on them. nevertheless, i also didn't have to forget that the performances would be in just two days and they still had a lot of things to improve. even me, who was not part of the groups, felt a pressure on my back. i had to admit that i was also nervous. i wanted to see the result of so much work and be proud of them. but it was a bittersweet feeling. after that the votes would come and many boys would have to leave. that was the hardest thing of all.

ㅤthat night i had dinner alone, as the other teachers had gone home or to their hotels and cheng xiao hadn't returned yet. the truth was that i didn't care much either. some staff members came over to talk to me, as they knew i was alone, which made me very happy.

ㅤafter dinner, i went up to my room and took a shower. i was in the shower for quite a while, as it relaxed me. i was very tired and feeling the water falling on my body helped. it was as if i felt that i was not there. i was definitely using the shower to disconnect from everything.

ㅤthen i let my hair air dry and put on my pajamas, plus a wide sweatshirt because it was cold. i put on my glasses and looked in the mirror for a few minutes. i had always been told i was very pretty. i used to find it hard to believe. when i was little there were girls much prettier than me at my school and i compared myself to them. when you are a pre-teen, you care about your looks, how others see you. i guess it's because of the hormones. when i moved to korea and started training, my self-confidence increased a bit more. i started to look good in front of the mirror, but not as pretty as doyeon or yoojung, among other girls in our agency.

ㅤwhen i left produce 101 i saw a lot of fan accounts about me talking about how beautiful and talented i was. at that moment i realized that maybe i would have to change the way i looked at myself. however, i still thought i was just at the standard level.

ㅤafter looking at my reflection in the mirror for a few minutes, i decided to move. i sat down on the chair in front of the desk and turned on my laptop. i had decided to bring everything i needed to keep creating music even there. in fact, i was working on a couple of songs and didn't want to leave them half done. when i started something, i liked to finish it as soon as possible. if i left it out, the inspiration would be gone completely and i wouldn't finish the song.

ㅤthe previous weeks i had finished three songs that i had been working on for a few months. it was a pretty rewarding feeling to finish a song after many hours. it was partly that feeling that forced me to keep going when i was apathetic. one of the songs i had been working on was for weki meki. lua had proposed it to me a few months ago and i actually thought it was a good idea. anyway, i wasn't too sure, because producing a song for a group meant a lot of pressure. if the fans didn't like it, it was as it was my fault. however, lua talked it over with the whole group a few days later and they all agreed with her. they were actually very excited.

ㅤwhen i talked to the director, i decided to give that proposal a try. after a lot of work, i finished producing 'metronome', a song that would be on the new album they were going to release. besides producing it, i wrote the lyrics together with doyeon. when i finished the song and recorded the demo for them, i showed the song to them and they were all quite surprised. they told me that they liked it a lot and that made me happy.

ㅤthe other two songs that i had finished were ones that had been in the process for a long time, but i had never finished them. i didn't expect them to be for me, so i showed them to the director and he said he would think about what to do with them. i had always dreamt that someday famous bands would sing the songs i had produced, but there was still a long way to go before that would happen. at the moment i had to settle for weki meki and the song i created to produce 101 season 2.

ㅤi put the headphones on while i put my legs up on the chair, making myself comfortable. then i started working. the song was one that i knew it would not be for me. i wanted to create a song that a group of boys could dance to. it would have a catchy beat that could combine strong and sexy moves. in fact, i wanted the song to have something seductive and attractive. and even though i could visualize myself singing it, i wanted to give a try to producing a boy band's song.

ㅤi was totally focused on my work when a window appeared in front of my eyes. i was startled and moved away from the screen quickly, almost falling off the chair. the second i saw that it was just an incoming call. but i was still surprised that the person who was calling me was someone unexpected.

ㅤi took the call animatedly and suddenly the face of ong seongwu appeared in front of me, with a smile from ear to ear.

ㅤ"seongwu!" i exclaimed, smiling. i hadn't talked to him in a long time because of his promotions with wanna one. i had known him for a long time before he came on produce 101 season 2 and he was one of my best friends, even though i didn't talk to him as often as i would like to.

ㅤ"xinxin" he replied, giggling.

ㅤ"why did you decide to call me?" y asked him, leaning on the back of the chair.

ㅤ"i just found a moment of free time and thought about how much has happened since we last spoke" seongwu replied.

ㅤ"thank you for remembering me" i joked.

ㅤ"i always do" he replied, winking at me.

ㅤ"i wanted to call you too but i know how busy you are lately" i told him honestly. i felt bad because i could at least have sent him a message, which i didn't, and it seemed like i had abandoned him.

ㅤ"don't worry"

ㅤ"by the way, how are you all doing?" i asked him curiously. when i produced the song for produce 101, i got a chance to meet some of the contestants.

ㅤ"we're great, actually. i'm still not used to the fame" he said and i laughed.

ㅤ"you're killing it" the truth was that wanna one's name was constantly being heard everywhere. it was a group created by the fans, which complemented each other perfectly. all the members had talent and it could be seen from miles away. it was a shame mnet didn't want to make it a permanent group.

ㅤseongwu nodded and some people screaming could be heard in the distance. he turned and frowned. "always screaming" he whispered and i laughed. ong was living with the other members and i figured out it was a disaster. they were really extra. suddenly the door to seongwu's room opened, and someone came in. he just stared at him and the person who had come in approached seongwu. "ah! it's xinyue" he explained.

ㅤthen i could see daehwi's face next to seongwu and a smile formed on my face.

ㅤ"daehwi!" i greeted him happily. i had met him when i was working on the song. he had caught my attention because he also produced and wrote. we soon became friends.

ㅤ"xinyue!!!" he exclaimed, waving with his right hand. "how long! how are you? i haven't heard from you in a long time!" daehwi started talking quickly and i laughed shyly.

ㅤthe three of us talked for a few minutes and then daehwi left the two of us alone. seongwu and i caught up with our lives and talked for almost two hours. whenever i was with him time passed very quickly. in fact, i would have liked to stay with him and talk until late night, but he had to hang up to do other things and that made me sad. but the simple fact that i had seen him already made me happy. besides, he had told me he was watching idol producer just for me, which stole a smile from me.

ㅤafter hanging up, i continued with the song for a few more minutes, but then i got tired and turned off the computer.

ㅤi laid down on the bed and checked my social networks for a while. when i felt my eyelids start to heavy, i turned off my cell phone and took off my sweatshirt, staying with my shirt on.

ㅤi looked at the ceiling of the room in the dark while thinking about everything that made me happy. i probably fell asleep with a smile on my face.