escapril '20

blackhole //4-24-20//

dear diary,

today i felt like the world was eating me whole. and, yes, i know that i sing this same old song, every single night before i'm pulled into the a dark abyss that i wish wasn't what sleep felt like. but i can't help but feel like maybe one day i won't feel like this, so i'll keep writing to you [hopefully one day i'll /find/ someone who will make me not feel like this]

12:00 am 1/1/19

dear diary,

today i found him, a boy that makes me want to be the sun. a boy that feels like the galaxies surrounding me [i wish i didn't already love him so much, maybe then i could let him go - maybe then he could still find his sun]. people have always told me that when i love someone but know we're no good for each other, the right thing is to let them float away. i really wish i was what all those people thought i could be [kind, considerate, worthy of thinking of as anything but selfish, anything but a blackhole - but i'm just not]

11:59 pm 1/1/19

dear diary,

today i let him go [he found out i wasn't his sun].

11:59 pm 1/31/19

dear diary,

i don't think i feel like i'm being eaten anymore, i don't think i feel anything really. so i think - at least for now - that i'll stop writing [why write when you have nothing to say] and maybe i'll finally start feeling again enough to give you a ring hello.

12:00 am 3/1/19

dear diary,

i don't think i'll be choosing to live anymore [my galaxy burnt up and what's a blackhole without something to destroy?] i know i've called myself a black hole before but back then i don't think i really believed it, now i know it to be true. hopefully when i die and go wherever we all reside, i'll get to apologize to my galaxy that i wasn't the sun i'd disguised myself to be

[dear diary, just know that i love you]

11:58 pm 3/2/19