Madness

17

17| Reality Check

On the car ride back to the house, I was lost in my thoughts, thinking about what just happened in the mall.

Don't get me wrong, Christian's a nice guy, but I never usually give in to people like that. He just made me so flustered I couldn't even think so I just agreed to everything.

And that single thought alone seemed to have snapped me out of this fucking daze that I've been in for the past few days.

You're such an easy girl, Aurora. What a slut! You've even been in bed with him!

I didn't want to believe such things, but the more I thought about it, the more it just seemed to be true.

I just met this guy, how the fuck can we be in a relationship? Then I realized that the only reason I agreed was that he made me so flustered. He used that weakness against me.

Just like he did.

Why am I so stupid? What the fuck is wrong with me!? No, this can't happen. No, no, no!

Why have I not been using my brain these few days? I just met this guy! I don't know anything about him! I even pointed this out earlier! God, why am I such an easy girl?

He was right.

I didn't realize that we arrived at my house until Christian put his hand on my shoulder.

I don't know why, but something in me snapped. This car ride home made me snap back to reality. This shit is not normal and I would be a dumbass bitch to believe that it is.

I slapped his hand away and looked at him with an empty expression.

He looked at me with confusion, and he moved his face closer to mine, looking at me with a smouldering look.

I knew what he was doing, and that shit wasn't going to get to me this time.

I shoved his face away, "I don't know how you managed to make me so flustered and get me to just agree with all the shit you were saying, but that stops here now. I take back my answer to the question you asked me in the mall, I don't want to be your girlfriend and I don't want you to be my boyfriend. I don't like you," I tried to leave the car but he locked the door.

My heart rate spiked just a little bit.

"Aurora, give me an explanation, what changed your mind just like that?" He raised a brow. He is good looking, I will give him that. He knows how to play a girl, I should know. He literally just played me.

"We don't fucking know a thing about each other! I don't know you!" I snapped at him. "Unlock this fucking car!"

He shook his head and had a ghost of a smile playing on his lips.

Is this guy serious?

"I know you a lot more than you think," He said gently as if that was supposed to calm me down.

I glared at him, "No you don't. You don't know shit, so instead of being so fucking creepy, unlock the car and let me out. I don't like you, so I'm breaking up with you. That's how this shit works right?" I said before pushing on the door again.

"Let me out!" I yelled at him and his eyes widened before unlocking the car. I basically stormed out of there and ran into the house, ignoring his calls for me.

My brothers were waiting in the kitchen, but I didn't care. I just head into my room, locked the door and threw all my shit on the floor.

Why am I so fucking stupid? He catches me at one weak moment and all of a sudden I think he's the one for me!

Aurora! Where the fuck has your brain been? God, why do I give into affection so easily? He gives me one hug and I think that this guy understands me.

And what the fuck did he mean when he said he knows more about me than I would think? Fucking creep. He's outta pocket for saying shit like that.

I can't believe how naive I am. Here I was, thinking I'm so mature and then I jump into the fucking arms of the first guy that shows me interest.

You're worthless, and you're a slut!

My head is pounding and my chest hurts from my attempts at trying to take deep breaths.

You're weak! Giving in to any man that you see!

His voice rang through my head making me dizzy. I started to feel a little light-headed so I plopped down onto my bed.

I closed my eyes and tried to calm my self down. I made a mistake, but I rectified it.

How can I be so stupid? Naive?

I thought I heard someone knocking at my door, but I knew that if I was to stand up, I would fall to the floor because of how dizzy I was.

I hate myself.

And it's because everything that he said about me is true, and I hate that.

+++

"Aurora, you need to come and eat," I heard Noni say from my door.

"Noni, not today. I'm not hungry, and if I am I will come out and eat later," I rasped out. I heard her sigh before walking away.

I listened to her footsteps get lighter and lighter until I heard nothing.

I'm not good at anything. I'm not a good daughter, because if I was mom wouldn't have put herself in that position.

I'm not a good person, because if I was I wouldn't be such a jerk to people I don't trust. I'm not smart, because if I was I wouldn't be so weak.

Especially around boys, and men. That's what Christian must've liked about me. He could see my weakness.

Because I'm not strong. I've never been strong, and I'm not smart, because if I was I wouldn't have let him even take me to the mall.

I'm not a good sister, because every time I'm with my brothers I always feel like they're irritated. They don't want to babysit me. They don't want to be responsible for a stupid, teenage girl.

I just...I can't make anyone happy. I can't even make myself happy.

"Aurora, come out and eat, now," I heard Enzo command from the door.

I just stayed silent. I was crouched on the floor near my window. I was originally reading, but even Elizabeth Bennet couldn't keep me from the thoughts that zoomed through my mind.

"Aurora, come out now!" Enzo yelled, and it was almost like an emotional reflex but not only did I stop breathing, but I got up and bolted for my door, unlocking it and bowing my head slightly.

Now I've angered him, god can I do anything right?

"Come down for dinner," Enzo said. His voice was cold, and I just felt so weak. Why can't I just listen?

I followed him out to the dining room where all my brothers were waiting.

"Nice of you to join us," Tello smirked at me. I didn't say anything, just took my seat and started quietly eating my food.

"Aurora, you aren't dating Chris are you?" Turi asked me. I shook my head, "Not now, not ever," I shivered at the thought.

I don't want a boyfriend. I'm weak, useless and used.

He is right about me. I'm worthless, easy, and weak, and I don't want any romantic affection. I want this emptiness and hatred to go away. I want to feel lighter because my mind is so heavy all the time.

I want to be free.

Free from reality.