modern life is rubbish | d.a

one: "modern life is rubbish"

i'm staring at the ceiling, it's christmas day. a day you'd presume the entire country of england would obsess over and enjoy, yet i deem to fail that assumption. i've never seen the colour for the christian holiday - maybe it's because i'm not pious, but there's a jurassic amount of people who still do their part in the 'joyfulness' of it regardless. most of my friends are either spending time with family or doing something related to the event, yet i seem to be here, alone, isolated, on my bed contemplating existence instead of doing something slightly productive.

after what seemingly felt like hours, i eventually withheld willpower to arise from my bed and stride around in the small apartment. i dragged slow, long steps as i swept my feet across the floor in agony - today only reeks of boring. admiringly, i placed my hand on the wall beside me and slid my hand across it, feeling every bump and bruise on the hardened colouring. i had lived here for years - i've memorised this place exactly like the back of my hand. it's a small flat in southwark, a place where you'd least expect me to find peace and quiet, but today, there was.

so many people take for granted the life of living alone, or it might just be my introverted self never finding a bother to spend my time with others. i've always been fond of the time i have alone, it's the beauty of being able to see my thoughts. surrounding myself around people can be delightful and entertaining at times, yet there is always a blockage for me to think and take a breath; sometimes you need to lose connection with the outside world and have the clocks stop for a minute. it may be the most calming and relaxing feeling there is, due to there being plainly no way to describe it.

snapping out of my thoughts, i stood in front of the mirror in the living room and stared at myself. i saw the eye-bags, tiredness, and stress all shining through my plentiful layers of skin. i've been studying for university and lately it's been getting the best of me - trapping me into a cycle of horror. late nights leading to all nighters, mornings leading to evenings, hours leading onto hours.

sighing, i decided that i should go out for a walk to help me search for the good in today, and maybe a little smoke if i feel like it. i'm not one to smoke all the time, but if there's a chance and i'm suddenly craving one, i'll definitely do it. something about the rush of nicotine makes me feel awake, but that may just be the reasoning behind it being a stimulant for a reason. it causes me to feel good at times, yet there's obviously times where it definitely had not suited me whatsoever.

i grabbed my coat and keys and walked out of the apartment, praying in hope that this day doesn't go to more rubbish than it already has.

the usual crowded streets were empty, everyone was inside, engulfed in attention along with the enjoyment of their families' company. my parents don't live in london, so there would be no able chance for me to visit them as i'm so caught up with university work. yes, it's supposed to be a break for us from all the work that's being loaded onto us, yet i simply don't feel that much trouble to visit them. all i need is silence. december 25th is only another boring old day, covered up with a holiday unneeded for the calendars.

there was obviously no snow again this year, just the chilly breeze with air that looks like smoke whenever it escapes your mouth. the one unfortunate thing for this country is the depressing weather. it's either uneven, one day it would be super hot and the next day it's flooding with rain, or it's just cold. quite the idea that summers wouldn't be bad here.

i brushed past a bunch of shops before coming across my usual alleyway where i smoke in, yet this time accompanied by a young blonde man drinking what looks like a beer and having a cigarette too, but that won't stop me from doing the same.

casually, i made my way closer to him, walking into the passageway yet i didn't have his attention until i walked past him and stood next to him by the wall, a foot or two apart from us.

he looked me up and down before nodding his head, then continuing on with his specific activities. i stared at him, his features catching my eye in an instant. his jaw was perfectly defined, nose so perfectly god-like, lips plumped a little yet quite chapped due to the cold weather, along with eyes the colour of the cold sky, but they looked so mesmerizingly pretty, i could get lost immediately, and inevitably i was.

flustered, i regained my thoughts and lit my cigarette. his expressions were quite solemn, as if something were bothering him, it could be about christmas (seeing as everyone's thinking or talking about christmas today), curiosity filling me up either way.

silence had filled the skies for a while, us both deep in thought with our remedies. i wondered if he paid proper attention to me, or gazed, then looked away carelessly. all that filled my brain was him at this moment, i was so enthralled by his presence, it consumed my thoughts entirely.

"hey, why so sad?" i asked, smiling softly at him as he looked up to stare at me.

"nothing, really, everything seems to be going so slow, its rubbish," he answered, a tiny smile curved on his lip. i began to laugh softly at what he said and it caught his attention to ask me.

"what?" he looked into my eyes, squinting slightly, there is no right for me to laugh as i'm in the same position as him - yet it's amusing to realise that there's other people, who feel just the same way as i do.

"you know, i genuinely thought i was the only one who felt like that, especially on a day like today," i replied, sending him a short smile back as i gazed between the cracks of the aging wall behind him.

"safe to say modern life is rubbish then, hm?" he joked, answering my melancholic smile with a much brighter one. the air was left quiet after those words left his mouth. i exhaled a short laugh, slowly holding a feeling of realisation, as my reaction was almost taken aback by his simple words.

"a scary realisation, that," i said, my chest feeling heavy, as if i couldn't seem to find any joy in anything anymore. when i looked away, i stared at the ground, frowning slightly as my mood and thoughts changed. all we do is spend all our lives in a flash, we never stop to fully realise how horrible everything truly is. in other words, staying alive is such an enigma - you never know what's going to happen.

"i guess so," he replied, moving closer to me so we were standing next to each other. there was a definitive height difference between us, but it wasn't that bad. we ended up staring at each other for what felt like distant eternities as my heart exploded as my stare submerged into his beautifully drawn pupils.

"what's the sudden mood change, hm?" he asked, touching my arm slightly.

i looked up to him, meeting his eyes again.

"modern life is rubbish, like you said,"