modern life is rubbish | d.a

fourteen: "what's up with you?"

exuberant sounds escaped the tv as an archive episode of top of the pops was playing. i had bought a couple episodes a while back on dvd - my favourite bands were charting on those specific weeks. every now and again i would go through and watch them all in chronological order, most of the time when i couldn't get to sleep, laughing about the stupidity in morrissey's hate towards robert smith putting my mind at ease. he's literally a smith, for god's sake.

i was trying to read - emphasise on the word trying though. my body being sprawled out all over my small leather couch, accompanied my arms and legs all in different places, itched great distractions in my brain. every monday the newspaper was usually dropped off by my doorstep, entangled with heaps of letters, sometimes regarding the due date associated with my rent. knowing well enough that i most likely wasn't going to make the deadline for the end of this week drove my excessive worrying to the roof; damon was supposed to be coming over soon, 'to help me clean'. personally, i found it quite unnatural that someone, let alone it be damon, would suggest to help me clean the mountainous regions of debris in my apartment - but i wasn't going to refuse a chance to see him again, especially since we hadn't hung out alone together in quite some time.

i sincerely missed his voice, his scent, his fluffy golden hair, and all around his presence. he was clearly a remarkable person to be around; a simple chat with him would have you wrapped around his finger. he conveyed all sorts of adornable features, like his bubbly white teeth, crooked at some places, when lined in a toothy smile would cause your heart to cave in, or when his eyes pierced into yours during a conversation, indicating you were the only thing on his mind, this conversation being the only current thing in the world. he made me feel loved. 

a gust of air blew into the room whilst my mind was boiled over the idea of getting to be in person with damon again. it was a sudden shock - feeling the crisp, fragile air crawl over my body; i thought today was going to be calmer than the usual nuisance of the british weather. thankfully, it dragged me out of my state of stupor, yet it brought on the pressure of my previous anxieties, causing me to suddenly start pacing around the living room, a cold cup of coffee engulfed in both my palms. at one point i felt my eyelids heave in weight, but i was quick to answer to it; my trotting only getting faster and faster around the ageing brick walls.

i attempted to distract my mind elsewhere, raising my gaze to the tv screen, my ears beginning to soften by the sounds of a song that i wasn't familiar with playing. my pacing slowly fell to a halt; my eyes now doing all the manuvering around the room. i kept finding myself lock eyes with my dvd player, the rush of harsh memories from my past issues with damon surrounding a well-known dvd box coming back in a daze. it was then when i was reminded of alex.

the last time i had seen damon was the same afternoon alex had confessed his liking for me. that same evening we had went out together, his way of an apology for the abruptness. graham told me that damon ended up finding out because of dave, but he brushed it off - almost too quickly, like he was in denial, as if dave was simply messing around with him. the idea of me and alex dating battled my mind, he was an extremely nice, and wonderful person to be around; his continuous cracking jokes trying to erupt the room in laughter, and that small smile that breaks out when his quest was complete.

i noticed that he would stare a lot, not at the boys, but at me. the mere thoughts of him having a crush on me laced around my head a couple times, yet i brushed it off, like i always did. someone as great as him wouldn't like a girl like me; my world is lazy with an extreme lack of self-esteem, i'm boring and tiresome to be around. i never associated myself with boys. if you would put me on the spot to ask a question among the lines of: why are you fondling with damon then? i wouldn't be able to answer. i've got no clue.