Relapse

Head Above Water

Halstead POV:

I'd spent most of the day with the kids it was nearing 5:30 and I knew that Erin and Voight would be back soon. My plan was to leave as soon as they walked through the door. The two near twenty-month-olds sat on the floor playing with their toys while I watched the Cubs game. That's when I heard a knock at the door. I opened the door for Voight and Erin and immediately Nadia and Henry ran over to Erin. Her face lit up at the sight of her children I watched their reunion and smiled at how happy my kids were to see their mom again. My kids. That was a fact I was still adjusting to the fact that these two were mine not just Erin's but mine.

"Can we move this reunion out of the doorframe?" Voight ushered everyone inside.

Erin stood up after Nadia and Henry released her from their embrace. I found myself subconsciously assessing her condition. She looked better than she had a month ago when I'd last seen her. She wasn't as pale, she didn't have the same sunken-in eyes with dark circles the color of bruises, and most of all Erin looked so much happier. Erin smiled at me and I found myself captivated in her green eyes. I shook my head to myself and turned to Nadia and Henry.

"Hey guys, I'm going to head out okay? I'll try to stop by tomorrow," I smiled at them.

"Bye-bye daddy," Henry hugged me as Nadia just nodded.

I passed by Erin on my way to the door and decided it would be best if I acknowledged her.

"Erin," I nodded at her as I stepped into the cool Chicago winter and closed the door behind me.

Voight POV:

I could tell that Erin was not all too happy with Jay's terse greeting/farewell. Her eyes were glued to the door where he had been standing all of ten seconds ago. 

"Mom," Erin tore her eyes away from the door when Nadia called her.

"Hey, honey," she turned all her attention to her child.

"Are you feeling better?" Nadia asked.

"Yes, I'm feeling a lot better," Erin replied.

After maybe fifteen minutes the kids were settled down with a cartoon and I poured glasses of water for Erin and me and set them down on the table.

"How was it?" I questioned.

"Fine, I guess. I don't feel like it actually did very much for me. All it was was talking to a random stranger about my feelings which I can't say I like very much. It didn't help that at first, I didn't really care, I didn't really want to get better. I guess I came around at some point because here I am, but mostly I just had to decide I was ready to heal on my own terms," she shrugged.

"Really, how are you feeling?"

She seemed to be considering her answer before Erin looked up at me "Good," she said flatly.

It was quite obvious that that wasn't true from her quick change in demeanor. I simply stared at her and she sighed, relenting.

"It's hard, Hank. I've hurt so many people and sometimes I just want to crawl back into my hole and never come out so I don't have to face anyone. Also with Jay and everything, I just," Erin stopped.

"He'll come around, he just needs time."

"He's had a month already!" Erin said louder than necessary. 

She looked down at her hands, "Sorry, I guess I just wish things could go back to the way that they were," she muttered.

I sighed, I knew it was hard for her.

"And, I know that I kind of been failing as a mother. I'm trying for them though I just hope I can do it."

"Do what?"

"Be the kind of mother that my kids deserve," Erin paused.

"It just feels like I'm drowning, you know? It just feels like the waves keep crashing over me and sometimes I feel better. It's like the sea calms down and I can see the sun, but then something will happen to remind me how messed up I am and I just get dragged back under. Really at this point, it feels like I'm just struggling to keep my head above water. It's been so much harder to actually want to keep fighting to actually want to stay clean. I mean, after Nadia sure I was messed up for a while, but once I decided to try to get better it was easy. I feel like I just was able to get better so much faster. Now every day is a struggle," Erin explained, opening up to me.

"Here's what I have to wonder. After Nadia died did you really heal, or did you just keep shoving your guilt down until you forgot about?"

Erin shrugged, "I don't know. All I know is that now I have so much more to lose than I did when I was fifteen and if I want to give my kids a good life and give them the mom they deserve I need to figure my life out and I don't know what to do."

"Well, step one is you need to find a job."

"The only thing I've ever known career-wise has been being police, but there's really no shot that I'll ever do that again. Not with my record."

"Maybe not, but we haven't had anyone to answer phones in intelligence in a while," I tried.

She paused and looked at me "Really?"

"I mean I need to talk to the unit first, but you need a job and everyone keeps complaining about having to pick up phones themselves so." 

She nodded "I'm going to go spend time with my kids."

I watched Erin go to the living room and sit with the twins. I watched as she smiled at something that Henry had said. I didn't have a doubt in my mind that she would be a great mother.

Erin's POV:

I was tucking Nadia and Henry into bed when Nadia looked at me and asked me a question.

"Do you like Jay?" she asked.

"What do you mean?" The question had taken me by surprise.

"Like, I know my brother likes him. You seem not happy around him. I don't know if I'm okay to be happy around him like Henry," Nadia stated stumbling over some of the words, but I still got her point.

It was one of the times that Nadia reminded me of how mature she was for a 20-month-old. 

"Nadia don't worry about that. It's just your dad and I don't talk much, but of course, you're allowed to be happy around him," I smiled.

She smiled, clearly content with the answer, "Okay, because I like daddy."

I left the two most important things in the world to me in their bedroom and I fell into a nightmare plagued sleep.