Betrayal with Me (Spin-off)

[21]: Redemption

[Scott's POV]

Two days.

That's all the time I knew I had, for sure.  As egotistical and misogynistic of an man I am, I am still silently terrified that my life will end before I have righted my wrongs.  So I have two days, two days before I give the precious gift of life to another.   I am not God, and I do not have the power to really know if I will live or die, but there is that possibility that shit doesn't go right.  I can't control fate, eventhough I have tried to my whole life.  I had played judge, jury, and executioner with Elise.  Maybe God would punish me for what I had done, or maybe he wouldn't.  I don't know.  I am uncertain. And uncertainty breeds terror, at least for me, it had.

After leaving Stephen's office, it hadn't taken long to arrange for the operation.  I had left his office Monday morning, and was notified the same day that everything was set for Friday.  Most of the conversation with Stephen, I barely registered.  Instructions about how I wasn't suppose to eat or drink anything for at least 12 hours before the surgery and some other information that I did not fully absorb.  I had been too preoccupied to pay astute attention to his instructions, my mind whirling around thoughts of Elise.  As much as I had prepared for this moment, it hadn't really hit me until now.  All the emotions, and uncertainty that I had held at bay, had come crashing down around me.  Was I less of a man to admit that I was scared?  That I didn't want to die, that I was scared to die?  I don't know.  But I knew there was no turning back now, and nor would I allow myself to turn back.  I needed to finally sacrifice something for Elise's happiness.  I had been selfish and domineering our entire time together.  Hell, I had promised to give her my trust completely, and I obviously had not.  At the first perceived slight, I had all but condemned her without listening.  Without trusting in our love, in her love for me.  I had ruined the purest of hearts, the purest of loves because of my own insecurities and demons.  I wasn't a man that deserved her love, and I probably would never be worthy.

I don't remember the sojourn back to my territory from Stephen's office.  One minute I was stepping into the driver's seat of my car, and then the next I was pulling up to the pack house.  I had been lost in my own thoughts, my own guilt.  I only had the rest of the late morning and evening today, and Tuesday to prepare my pack for the worst case scenario.  If worse came to worse, I had to have a contingency plan in place.  I couldn't leave my pack unguarded and taken care of, so I had spent the rest of Monday and Tuesday in meetings with my advisers and implementing what should happen if I should meet my maker.  

After all the necessary details were taken care of, I had left the most important thing for last, writing to Elise, possibly for the last time.  A part of me understood that the motivation behind me writing her these letters, was selfish.  She was moving on with her life.  She seemed happy and content in life.  I knew my presence would be unwelcome to her, but I couldn't help myself.  I wanted, no NEEDED, to absolve myself of the guilt that ate away at my soul.  But I already knew that the guilt would forever be apart of me.  I would never be able to fully forgive myself, even as I desperately hope she would forgive me.  I only wished, I could see her face light up seeing me as it once did, instead of the cold, indifferent look because of my horrid antics.  My infidelities, the harsh words, the coldness I subjected her to, had taken a toll on her.  And now, the dark passenger that had been my constant companion for months, was now hers to bare because of my pride.  Because I was a stupid man, that could not see past my own hurt and anger to see the truth.  

I sat there with my forearms leaning on my wooden desk, one hand holding down a notepad that only had three blank pages left in its binding.  Months ago, it had been new when I had first used it to pen the very first letter I had written to Elise.  Now months later, it would pen my final letter to Elise.  Whether I lived or died tomorrow, it was time for me to relinquish my hold on her.  It was time for me to be selfless for once in my life.  It was time for me to put her happiness and wants above those of my own.   If I had have done that previously, maybe our futures would be vastly different from the one I created for us now.  If I let her go, she could have a chance at real happiness.  She could find a human that would love her, and treat her the way she was always meant to be treated.  Not the way I had treated her.  And even if I would not be the father of her future children, she could still have the family she fervently talked about with me in the twilight hours while in bed, during happier times in our marriage.   Even if it would kill me to see her in the arms of Julian, or another man, it would be worth it to see the smile reach her eyes again.  I owed her happiness, even if it was to sacrifice my own for hers.