Imagine

12. Numb

The next morning I woke up feeling unusually calm and at ease. I mean I'm not usually bubbly but I could feel the difference in the calmness. I wondered why that was but I didn't dwell on it for a long time. I went on with my usual school-day routine but I didn't feel anything, I was just doing,  like a zombie. I didn't have to think about it, it was like my body knew where to go, when to go, what to do and for how long exactly to do it, I was depersonalized. I kept watching myself do, but not feel until I got to school.

On the way there, I kept wondering, 'what exactly is the problem? Last night was fun, being a werewolf and all that jazz, nobody got on my nerves until I slept, I went straight to my room after praying and arranged my stuffs for school... And I don't dream, at least not as far as I know. Maybe I had one of those dreams that you don't remember but it still has an impact on your demeanour. Maybe it was a nightmare and my mind was still too frozen about it to realize that it was over already. Or maybe I didn't dream at all and this was one of those things that my subconscious seems to want to experience and never bothers to ask for my permission before diving in'. All of those thoughts kept bouncing around in my head and I was so focused on them, I didn't even notice I was on school grounds already.

I caught sight of Saira and consciously tried to look excited since it had been more than 4 days that we had seen each other but I couldn't pull it off. My disorientation most likely wasn't obvious 'cause she didn't seem to notice anything as she pulled me into a hug and then Raina, and if she did, she decided not to ask probably waiting till we had some privacy. Over the years of our friendship, she had gotten so good at acting so nonchalant about somethings in public when it concerned me that I just had to give myself a high five for teaching her that and thankfully my brain was capable of giving me that.

'Good news! I'm not entirely dead' I thought to myself. I probably shouldn't be taking so much pride in the fact that I encouraged someone to develop a nonchalant attitude but I did anyway because no matter how much I probably needed to talk someone at the moment, that was all I needed- someone, just one person, no more.

This numbness wasn't exactly a new experience for me but the last time it happened (which was also the first), it was after I had been exposed to a lot of emotions that my mind needed a break from it all so it shut down all kinds of feelings. I could still clearly remember the incident that had led to it.

It was two years ago during the short period between the end of exams and final school closure for the term. I had just arrived to the hostel from school and went on with my business with no care for the world as usual until I noticed that things were awfully quiet when normally, I should be hearing snippets of conversations from different angles, then I realized that people weren't actually quiet, they were just quiet whenever I walked towards them and then once I was far enough, they returned to their conversations. I didn't mind being left alone 'cause well, I love some peace and quiet, but even half my roommates were disappearing for no specific reason. I wouldn't have been fazed by that either if they had just up and left but for some weird reason, they felt the need to announce their departure as if they were asking for permission or like it was a rule that had always been present. That kinda set off the alarm in my brain so I asked my then closest friend and also roommate at the time, Amara , what exactly was going on.

"I feel like a pariah. Not that I mind anyway but I'd like to know why". She looked at me and shook her head as if telling me to forget about it but all that managed to do was spike my curiosity exponentially. I sat up in my bed and faced her,

"Come on. What exactly is going on? I deserve to know, don't you think?".

"It won't do you any good", she answered uncertainly.

"Not your problem, just tell me", I insisted.

"Ok, um... Half an hour earlier, one of the seniors announced to the whole hostel that anybody caught talking to you will be punished with the same silent treatment for a whole day".

"Oh Kay... I would understand why you don't seem bothered by that. I'm like one out of the the four or five people you actually talk to here", she smiled and shrugged, I continued,
"Did this senior happen to mention what exactly I did?".

"Yea, something about you being a particular teacher's pet and making that teacher fail her school daughter", she spread her hands in a gesture that said she didn't understand how they came up with that. I chuckled, "Teacher's pet, my ass! Oh well, they'll get over it". I relaxed in my bed. I didn't even like being noticed in class as nerdy as I can be. If it was possible, I'd blend in with the background of the classroom every time. Silly idiots.

'I can definitely handle silence. That's like my only real superpower', I thought to myself.

"Thanks for the update, girl. You're stuck with me till this ban is lifted, sorry about that". I know she didn't mind at all but still the "punishment" was supposed to be for only me.

"No worries, you know I'm good", she replied and continued with what she was doing.

I had sincerely believed that it would be over before I knew it and I might not even get to fully enjoy the solitude I just got handed to me on a silver platter, what I wasn't expecting was the obvious physical aversion people seemed to be giving me as I walked past them. I can handle silence and even discreet avoidance, not being treated like a diseased ape. The emotions bombarded me before I could brace myself for impact: I was hurt by the way people were treating me over a baseless rumour, I was angry at whoever the dumb idiot was that couldn't just admit she had failed fair and square, and worst of all, I was furious. Furious at myself for even giving a shit about what people were saying or doing to me. And just as they came, they were all gone and I felt absolutely nothing. I was completely disconnected from any kind of emotions and I had managed to float through the rest of the day in blissful nothingness. I only got my humanity back after two days of listening to Saira and Amara try to make me feel better.

"It's not your fault that she failed, and it's not your fault that regardless of how grumpy and uncaring you act, things still get to you. Just let it go, they're not worth it", Saira had said after Amara narrated my ordeal to her including my numbness, I still don't understand how she had pieced that together. She was right, no dumbass is worth an entire two days of my existence.

My numbness that day was very much justified but I couldn't place where this was coming from. So when I talked to Saira about it, she told me she'd try to involve me in every conversation she had that day until she got a proper reaction from me.

"Annoyance alone would do", she winked at me and I visibly relaxed. I'm definitely in good hands.