CPTSD - Finding Yourself | Loving Yourself

My Story

My story is nothing special, it's no different to what others have experienced. I will never claim that I had it worse than anyone else. Everyone's situation is/was different and should be treated that way.

I struggle with memories, something I am working on with myself and hopefully soon a counselor. I can't remember the majority of my childhood. It's not something I dwell on but it's something I'm struggling to come to terms with. I've been physically distressed trying to remember things but nothing comes to me. Other time I get some pretty nasty memories that are very distressing to me.

I remember being kicked in the head because I didn't want to get up for school.

I remember being hit in the head with a glass bottle, but not enough to physically harm me. I can't remember why or how the situation came about.

I remember being threatened to be beat with a plastic washing basket. I'm pretty sure it was thrown at me or in my direction. It's a little fuzzy.

I don't have a diagnosis for anything yet as I have bounced from mental health service to mental health service. I've lived in a few different countries too so I've not been anywhere long enough for them to assess me properly for a diagnosis. I've also never been taken seriously enough. It's been suggested I may have BPD (borderline personality disorder) although my symptoms match CPTSD and I decided to write this to better help me understand this condition that I may or may not have.

I've never had a father figure in my life, he lives elsewhere. He used to visit me on occasions. My birthday and Christmas. Slowly he began to drop off the radar. He got remarried without telling me. He had another child. I got to meet them. I've seen them probably 5 times since they were born in 2011. He doesn't know anything about my situation or what happened to me, and I don't plan to share it with him.

I often imagine how different my life would've been if he'd been in it. I like to think it would've been better but who knows, it might have been worse. I like to imagine that my mother wouldn't have gotten to the stage she was at if he was still in my life and they were living happily together.

My mother is diagnosed with clinical depression and takes medication for this. She also most likely has other undiagnosed conditions. She is a severe hoarder. The worst my social services department had seen. The first few years of my life I didn't realise this as we lived in a 3 bedroom house. Everything was jammed into the spare bedroom. When we downsized into a 2 bedroom house the real issues started to show.

I was unable to sleep in my own bedroom as my room was piled floor to ceiling with toys, clothes and literally everything you can imagine and I had to share a bed and room with my mother. This continued until I was 14. I became dependant on sleeping in a room with someone so found it almost impossible learning how to sleep on my own when the time came.

There was never any food in the house. I wouldn't say I ever properly starved. I would eat at a local relative's house. The only problem was when I stayed home from school and my mother had to go to work.

I knew what an empty stomach felt like. I wasn't intentionally left to go hungry though. If I wasn't well I'd go at least that full day with an empty stomach.

The toilet was broken but usable.

The bath was permanently black with dirt and buildups of who knows what.

There was no flooring in either the upstairs or downstairs hall or stairs. Although the upstairs was coated with junk mail and other things such as books and clothes.

The curtains were never opened, the windows were never opened. The dust was unbearable at times. Thick buildups that I just became immune to.

We had small animals that got cleaned out whenever my mother was feeling up to it. I looked after them as well as a child could be expected to. I still feel bad for them though. Sometimes their wood shavings just became a solid block of piss and shit with hay mixed in. I tried to avoid this as much as I could though. I did my best.