Erkenci Kus, The Continuing Story

Can's Defining Moment

It was a race to get to the airport but we made it in time and settled in for the 16-hour flight to Ecuador. After we are underway, I notice Sanem is watching me curiously. I catch her a few times and finally have to ask what is on her mind. I can see she is reluctant and somewhat nervous to answer. I take her hands and kiss her fingers, then hold them against my mouth. Her hands are so soft and small and always smell so good. I just watch her and wait for her to tell me what is on her mind. She fidgets and squirms a bit but when she tells me what's on her mind, it makes my blood run cold.

Sanem:

"Can, I was scared today. I saw you panic. I felt it and want to ask you about it. We agreed we can talk about anything. When I hesitated to take your hand earlier, you panicked. When I saw that look on your face, I remembered all the times I have seen it in the past. I saw it every time you have left me. Since you don't have your memory of those times with me, it tells me there is something else present here, something else that triggers that panic. It's a feeling that I understand well. I learned about it when dealing with my own panic in the hospital and in therapy after you left. Can, I can see how uncomfortable you are right now.

"I unbuckle my seat belt and crawl into his lap. Can insisted on our having seats in First Class for this long international flight. Right now, I am feeling very grateful for the privacy it provides us. I'm relieved when he wraps his arms around me and pulls me close to him, lifting me to nestle comfortably in his lap. He brushes my hair back from my face and I whisper, "By the way, let me tell you how much I love it when you do this." Closing my eyes, I enjoy letting him fix my hair and adjust my weight in his lap so that we are both comfortable. I take a minute to kiss his closed eyes and flutter butterfly kisses along his cheeks and run my nose along the length of his. I can feel him relax as he sighs and buries his face in my hair. I pull the band out that holds his hair back so that I can run my fingers freely through it. It is so soft and long, and it soothes him as I work my fingers through it.

When I feel he has calmed down and relaxed, I gently ask him, "What if it were me Canim, and you needed to know, to understand something that you could see was bothering me? What if you knew it would make a critical difference for both of us? I know there are things I need to talk to you about, things that might be hard. For instance, telling you about the bottled notes that I tossed in the ocean for so many months. I promise I will tell you honestly about anything and everything you want and need to know. I have learned that keeping things from you was wrong, even when I thought it was the best and safest way. This caused great pain and did not need to happen. If what has happened with you is something you can tell me now, please do."

I see such pain in Can's as he looks deep into my eyes, glancing back and forth then looking at my lips. Ahhhh, I think, he just needs to feel the love right now. I scratch my fingers into his beard very gently and he makes the sweetest sound as he tightens his hold on me. I kiss his forehead and understand something. He is not holding me. He is holding onto me, for comfort. I feel a tremor in his grip and see that his eyes are glassy. Ringing for the airline attendant, I ask for a double Scotch on-the-rocks for Can and a glass of white wine for me. While we wait, I run my fingers back into his hair and stroke his face and beard. I look into his eyes and show him how much I love him without saying a word, then tip his head back and place a gentle kiss on his lips.

There is something so tender in this moment that I linger, lavishing him with soft, slow kisses until I hear the attendant approach with our drinks. I thank her and hand Can a very large double Scotch. He takes it with thanks, and never taking his eyes from mine, drinks the whole thing slowly. Then he licks his lips and reaches for my lips again. Ufffff.... his kiss is now a lot less gentle and leaves my lips tingling and swollen.

"Tamam," he says and wraps his arms around me. He lays his head over my heart that is battering loudly in my chest. I admit I am afraid but at least we are on an airplane. Where can he possibly go if he needs or wants to run away from me? And we agreed to no more running anyway.