𝐂𝐔𝐑𝐋𝐘 𝐇𝐀𝐈𝐑𝐄𝐃 𝐊𝐈𝐃𝐒. matthew gray gubler

↳ xiv. i'm scared of falling for you

xiv. i'm scared of falling for you
—LOLA NOVAK

[🪐]

HE THOUGHT I HAD FALLEN
asleep, but I was awake as ever.

I wasn't even tired; I just wanted to cuddle him.

But he didn't know any of that. I knew I was hurting Matthew by constantly avoiding the blaring intimacy of our relationship, but I didn't know what else to do. I was so scared of what the future had in store, and would do anything to stop history from repeating itself.

It sucked so fucking badly, considering how much I liked Matthew and how happy I'd be with him, yet so miserable. I imagined the same thing happening with Evan; getting attacked, hated, threatened, only for him to ignore all of it and not even care.

And Evan was quick to toss me away when I fell apart. I loved him so much, enduring all of that, only for that man to just act like it was all nothing.

It wasn't worth it. Even for Matthew. And I knew Matthew's fan base was much larger than Evan's, and getting larger.

And here I was, only a kinda Instagram famous costume designer.

I thought about the ways I could make this happen. I could try a little harder in the entertainment industry, start my modeling of acting career, earn a fan base as well so I wouldn't seem pathetic compared to Matthew.

But did I really want to change myself for him? Did I really want to do the one thing I swore I never wanted anything to do with?

I didn't know. Right now, it felt like I was completely out of control. Of my life and myself. It was easy to hide, but I was miserable. I was falling into a pit of no going back, and I was so fucking scared of ruining myself over just some hurtful people.

I didn't trust Matthew with handling it all the right way, if something ever happened in the future. Because Evan sure as hell didn't.

Which was why I didn't want there to be a future. I didn't want this to become real; the moment I admitted how much I wanted Matthew to his face, was the day it became real.

And if he was the one to admit it to me first, I wasn't sure if I would be able to hold back.

Especially now, in his arms, just the two of us—I felt like nothing else mattered to me but him. That there was no one else in the world, but us. That I was the only woman that could love Matthew.

But all of that would only be a wish.

I closed my eyes, listening to his pounding heartbeat. It was racing so fast, and I knew why. I made Matthew nervous, and part of me liked the power. I liked the fact that I could make him blush, squirm, and stutter. Because Matthew wasn't a shy guy—he was completely confident in himself, especially to other women besides me. I'd seen how he shamelessly flirted with some crew members, and it was not how he acted with me at all.

That's how I knew he liked me, I guess. Because Matthew treated me differently from the rest, and I loved it. I was an attention-thriving individual, and his attention boosted me more than anything else.

But my heart was also racing as fast as his. I hoped he didn't notice how clammy my hands were, because I didn't want to lose the contact by pulling away. I nuzzled closer to him, my face pressed into his chest; he smelled of cologne and tree bark. Tree bark like those beautiful eyes of his.