𝐂𝐔𝐑𝐋𝐘 𝐇𝐀𝐈𝐑𝐄𝐃 𝐊𝐈𝐃𝐒. matthew gray gubler

↳ xv. i wish it were me

xv. i wish it were me
—MATTHEW GRAY GUBLER

[🪐]

     LOLA DIDN'T TEXT ME THAT
night, and I wondered why. I didn't want to be that clingy guy that had to be constantly with or talking to their girl, but it seemed a bit random. She always responded.

After yesterday, I thought this meant something else was brewing, something bigger. I didn't know where that put us though, because we treated each other like we were already together, but we just weren't. And Lola avoided that topic at all costs.

Yeah, I get that she didn't want to date another celebrity after what had happened, but...I couldn't just pretend we were nothing. I wanted to show her off, and show everyone that she was mine. But was she? Did she even want to be?

I thought about it all night long, worried over probably nothing. I texted her again when I woke up, feeling worried that something happened to her or something. The whole stalker thing had been bugging me, and honestly, I hadn't slept well last night because of it either.

I wondered if she could possibly live at my place for a while, until her stalker went away. I wanted to hold her to sleep so that I could feel a bit better about all of this. I wanted to hold her like how I did in the trailer, all day. Everyday.

Finally, I got ready for work and saw she hadn't texted me back. I decided to call her, being more worried than carrying about whether or not I looked or sounded too clingy.

In a few seconds, she picked up, her groggy and raspy voice filling my eardrums, making my muscles relax.

"Matthew?" Lola croaked out.

"Are you okay?" I asked her, "you didn't answer my texts last night so I got a little worried."

She said nothing for a little, "Matthew, I'm fine." Lola said, almost in a snappy manner that made me furrow my eyebrows.

"What? Are you annoyed at me for caring?" I asked her, pursing my lips together.

"No—I'm not. Sorry. Long night." Lola said, clearing her throat. I swore I heard another sound in the background, feeling a lump form in my throat.

"Do you want me to pick you up?" I asked her.

"I-uh, I'm not home." Lola said, and I gulped.

"Where are you?"

"Matthew, come on." She said, "I don't have to tell you where I am 24/7."

"You don't, but I'd like to know if you're safe." I said in a hard voice.

"It shouldn't even matter to you." Lola mutter quietly.

"It does. I'm your best friend." I said.

"I know, and thank you." Lola said, sighing. "But I'm fine. I'll see you at work, okay?"

I bit my lip, "yeah, okay." I muttered, quickly ending the call and tossing my phone into my bed next to me. I sighed with frustration, staring at the ceiling and then groaning in annoyance, kicking my legs.

I was so confused. Why was she like that? It was like one moment Lola acted like I was the only guy in her life, and the next she was doing...whatever the hell she was doing! Was I just a tool to her or something? Did I even matter?