J. Smoke - The Reptile Room

Chapter ONE

If you have ever traveled down Lousy Lane, you would find how unpleasant the road would be. The stench of the road leads out the city, past Hazy Harbor and into the town of Tedia, is the most unpleasant in the world. The fields Lousy Lane travels through are sickly ray color, and have apple tree that produce the fruit so sour. The lane traverses the Grim River, and encircles a horseradish factory, so the entire place smells bitter and strong.

But if there is anything more unpleasant than Lousy Lane, that would be the story in your hands. My name is Lemony Snicket, and it is my duty to research the Baudelaire's unfortunate lives. I have dedicated my life into doing so, and hope you don't make the same mistake, so you might as well put down the story in your hands, and read something more pleasant instead.

Five days ago, the three children Klaus, Violet and Sunny Baudelaaire were threatened by an evil guardian known as Count Olaf, who vowed to their parents fortune, and kill the three children with his two hands. It was that almost a week ago, the three children were spending a quiet time at the beach until they received terrible news, that a fire destroyed their home, and their parents perished in it. Mr. Poe, executor of the Baudelaires put the children under the care of the devious Count Olaf, but Mr. Poe didn't read that in the Baudelaire parents' will, the children were to be put under the care of Dr. Montgomery Montgomery, and if the children weren't put under Count Olaf's care in the first place, this series of unfortunate events would have came to an early finish.

Yes, the story does begin on the road, Lousy Lane, and the three children were cramped in a small car.

"It smells like ginger on this road," said Mr. Poe. He was not only the Baudelaire's executor, but worked at a bank in the city known as Mulctuary Money Management, and kept safe of the Baudelaires money until Violet came 18.

"It's actually horseradish," said 12 year-old Klaus, the middle Baudelaire who liked to read books. He wore a pair of glasses and a fine suit.

"Can you tell us more about Dr. Montgomery Montgomery," said 14 year-old Violet, the eldest Baudelaire child who liked to invent with various kind of objects.

"Let's see," said Mr. Poe. "All I know is he is your late father's cousin's wife's brother."

"Rika!" Sunny shrieked, which probably meant along the lines of, "that's just all!" Sunny was 4 years old, and her main hobby was to bite things.

Not only was she nervous about who Dr. Montgomery Montgomery was, she were her two older siblings wee worried as well. There previous guardian, Count Olaf treated the children terribly. He gave the children terrible chores, and many of the stuff they had to clean were with their toothbrushes. Not only did he do that, he also had struck Klaus across the face, threatened to drop Sunny from a tower in a birdcage, and tried to marry Violet so he could have complete control of the Baudelaire fortune. At the Baudelaire's had a right to be nervous, however, Mr. Poe thought they were excited.

"You must be excited, Baudelaire's," he said. "After all, it's a brand new chapter in your lives."

"Count Olaf is still at large, and what if our new guardian may treat us terribly like him?" Violet asked.

"Don't say that!" exclaimed Mr. Poe. "My secretary, Jacquelyn fears that Count Olaf may find you three, but with him on the run, he can't get to far from the law, and I he can't still be a threat to you three."

Mr. Poe was wrong of course, in fact not only did Count Olaf escape alone, he escaped with his fellow associates, the hook-handed man, the bald man with the pointy nose, the powdered faced twins, and the indeterminate hench person in gender.

"If Dr. Montgomery Montgomery isn't exactly our uncle, what should we call him," asked Klaus, "it must seem hard producing his name because it is very long."

"Well you can call him Dr. Montgomery, or just Montgomery," said Mr. Poe. "Also, make sure not to ridicule him of his name, 'ridicule' means 'tease.'"

"We know what 'ridicule' means," said Klaus, which was true. Klaus knew many words from the dictionary in fact, long words like "vestibular" and "inordinate". After the children lost their parents, people like Mr. Poe thought the children were dim-witted.

"Make sure not to ask too many questions," said Mr. Poe as the car pulled up to the driveway of Dr. Montgomery's house, "It's best to make a good first impression."

The horseradish scent was gone, and as the Baudelaire children got out of the car, they saw they were standing a garden of snake-shaped hedges. There were blossoms growing on some of them, and in front of the three children was an enormous fine house.

"Impressive house, I should said," said Mr. Poe. He walked up the steps to the house, and rang the doorbell. A moment later, the door opened revealing a young looking man in a orange button up shirt. He had red hair, and wore a pair of spectacles.

"Hello, hello, Baudelaire's," he said, "I just finished making coconut cream cake, do you care for a slice?"