Gray Days

Chapter 22A: Why Are We Like This? I Don't Know.

22A

Rut.

She doesn't speak to me during the ride and she doesn't say a word to anyone in the hospital. Eventually, Zoey's dad kicks me out of the hospital, saying this is a family matter and I don't need to be here. And for his information, I tell him, "I want to be here for Zoey, Pete. Come on, cut yourself some slack. You need to sleep, man. You and Emily. Zoey and Jesse's here for Grandpa Sylvester and me and Jesse are here for Zoey."

Jesse backs me up and convinces his parents to go home while we watch over old man Sylvester and Zoey. And speaking of Zoey, she was just standing around in front of the ICU but she's gone. Jesse and her parents didn't notice her absence so I don't say anything until Pete and Emily get in their car and drive away. When Jesse asks if he can get me something in the cafeteria, he finds out Zoey's not here and when he asks me, I tell him she's in the restroom. That makes him shut up then leave.

I don't know where she is but I send her a text. Hot or Cold: Restroom?

The nearest restroom is at the other side of the hall so I go there and wait for a Zoey to come out of the lady's door. I thought she won't text me back but she replies after a minute. Cold.

Me: Cafeteria?

Her: Cold.

Me: I'm in the elevator right now.

Her: Warm.

Me: Got some random guy coughing  all over the tiny place. I might get the flu. Would you kiss me still?

Me: Anyway. Random guess, you're in the rooftop thinking about jumping off.

Zoey stares down at her phone for a long time and her shoulders droop when she sighs then looks forward. And looks back down to the street and I can almost see two tiny Zoeys floating over her shoulders—one convincing her, the other convincing her not to take one step and fall.

Her: Hot.

"That's a long way down," I say and step on the platform beside her. She turns to me for a second and sigh as she looks back down. Imitating her, I also take a breath and look below my foot to the busy street underneath. Heights don't scare me but they do make me dizzy as they do to everyone else. I glance to Zoey and she doesn't look a bit light-headed. Like this is a normal place to be and there's nothing else to do in the world than stand on the edge of a rooftop.

Her foot moves a little and I grab her hand, making her turn to me and stare and raise her eyebrows. I try to smile but my lips quiver so I keep myself together and hold her still.
I hold her tight. She turns to me. "Don't tell me you're thinking of what I think you're thinking."

She shrugs.

"I'm serious, Zoey. There's a bench by the side. How about we sit there, instead of this?" I wave a free hand to point out that we're really close to the edge. "I feel I'm going to throw up a bowl of mashed potatoes to a person below if we won't get off here right now." I'm hoping for a smile but I don't get anything.

Once we're off the platform, I hold her hand to the steel bench facing the clocktower and play with her hand when we're already sitting. Zoey leans back and rests her head on the concrete wall as she inhales a deep breath and exhales it out as deep, then she looks over the buildings to the clocktower and stare at it. "You should go home," she says after a while.

I grin. "Nah, what am I going to do there anyway?" Then turn to her. "You know, girls say one thing and they mean another. Don't do that to me." She looks down to our hands and when she looks back up, I say, "So what about Grandma?"

Silence. For about a minute. Then she sighs and pulls her feet up under her so she is cross-legged beside me. "Grandma and I were close back then. When she died, I got depressed. They put me up in therapy. I didn't like it, I don't still. And whenever I'm not myself, when I'm moody and unsociable, they think it's because of her. They don't understand."

"Your parents love you, Zoey," I say, "Maybe they don't understand because you won't let them. When's the last time you snapped at your parents' face? And not in the phone?"

"You want me to yell at them?" she snaps.

I nod. "I think you should. I'm not a therapist but there's a lot of unspoken things between you and your folks."

"Says someone who has daddy issues." I squint at her and she rolls her eyes at me then straightens her posture and sit properly. She's not talking again. So I pull my phone out and put Ed Sheeran in repeat and let it run in the background. She's listening to the lyrics and I watch our feet as she does.

A while later, I get up and offer a hand. "Dance?" She shakes her head. I sigh, "Okay." Then I sit with her again.

It could have been the longest afternoon of my life. Just sitting and listening to the same song over and over again. Not that I don't like Ed Sheeran but hearing only one song for an hour or so is just exhausting. This is clearly my fault. The sun's setting and the clocktower and the buildings are lighting up and the temperature is going down. Zoey's head is on my lap and I don't know if she's asleep or not but I keep smoothing her hair anyway.

She stirs and opens her drowsy eyes to me and I give her a smile. To my surprise, she pulls her corners up a little bit. I cut the music off, and she didn't seem to notice. I should've done that earlier though.

Looking up to the sky, she rubs her eyes and when she's done, she turns to me. "I'm sorry," she says, frowning. I brush it off and help her up, and I put the ushanka back on her head.

"How are you feeling?" I ask and I think she's going to say she's fine so before she does, I tell her, "Don't bullshit me, Zoey."

"I'm feeling better."

"That's better." I stand up and kiss her eyebrow. I offer her a hand again, not to dance but to go down and meet her Grandpa. "Jesse called. They already moved Grandpa Sylvester in a room."

A smile lights up her face and she takes my hand and she doesn't let it go until she sees her parents and hugs them.

While I am driving home, Rigel is on loudspeaker and I am going slower than usual because of the call and my phone is stuck in between the gap of my ear and the helmet. I tell him about Sylvester and Zoey then I ask him about the Katherine and Danny. "Did you meet them?"

"Yes," he says. There's another voice that comes from his side. A man's voice that's saying something about 'You should go back home.'

So I can't help but ask, "Where are you?"

"My uncle." He pauses for a moment to talk to his uncle and I am turning to a corner. There's an alleyway shortcut that's less busier than the main street so I drive through there. "What are you going to do about the money?" he asks then I hear footsteps going further and further until I can't hear it anymore. But in my head the footsteps become clearer and closer and I shrug it off but it doesn't stop until Rigel calls my name.

The bike wobbles a little bit and I try to straighten it out and get my head together. "I still have to think about that," I tell him, "or I might ask Zoey. Safekeep it for now, yeah?"

"Sure." I hang up and pull my phone out and shove it in my pocket, and I rev the engine up to go faster but then a light blinds my eyes and the footsteps in my head are back, followed by a loud bang and a couple of voices I can't quite make out. I lose control of the handle and the bike goes swerving and I am falling out of my seat and rolling on the concrete.

I lie on the ground for a while and try to understand what just happened until someone comes up to me and helps me out. I don't have any major injuries so that's good but I have a twisted ankle that hurts a hell lot when I get back on my feet.

When I get home, I recall what happened but I still don't get why I suddenly blacked out.