Gray Days

Chapter 30: Internal Blizzard

30

Rut.

I watch Zoey sleeping and I remember that I've done this before. When everything was a lot less complicated. Lying down on the mattress, I try to fall asleep but I can't. A little bit of correction, I don't want to. There's this tiny feeling in my gut that tells me I'm going to have a dream again so now, instead of trying to fall asleep, I just keep watching over Zoey.

At nine in the evening, her parents call her cell and I tell them she's with me and that she's okay, and then they tell me that Betty is worried about me and that we should go home first thing in the morning but I act like the signal was going haywire so I can hang up. Zoey stirs and I sit very still because I don't want to wake her up and thankfully, she doesn't.

Eventually at some point, I start to fall asleep and I don't know what time is it but I'm waking up and I find that Zoey's no longer beside me. I look for her upstairs and on the porch, but in the kitchen, when I look through the window, I see her out in the backyard, hanging on a noose. Then suddenly I am waking up (for real this time) and I am catching my breath and sweating. Zoey is sound asleep and I touch her face to make sure she's there and I think I am going insane.

I cover her up with my blanket though she's already wrapped up in hers, then I walk out to the backyard to see the mess I made. I look at the toppled tree and the damage it's done on the house and I am asking myself, I cut the tree for what? It didn't really do anything significant. I am still mad. It doesn't stop the nightmares. Made them even worse, I think. It didn't make me forget about my mom or my dad or the fact that Zoey tried to harm herself. Twice now.

Circling around to the front yard, I notice that it's already seven in the morning. I hop on to my bike and start to drive with no particular reason or direction or destination. I circle Nowhere from the line of abandoned houses to its deserted town square, then pass by the series of French manors on the outskirts of Middleton. Then by a couple of fields, empty for the winter, and through every block and alley, passing by Isaac's place and this retro breakfast diner in the downtown area. I stop by the diner and saunter straight to the counter where a middle-aged woman is wiping the countertop. She greets me with a smile like it's absolutely normal for a highschooler to be out early in the morning, in the middle of winter especially when classes have been suspended.

Moving on from the usual pleasantries, I learn her name is Victoria and that this is a newly-opened, family-owned diner, then she calls out her son to take her place in the counter as she disappears inside the kitchen to make my order. A second later, Isaac comes out in a denim apron and he looks a bit surprised when he sees me across the counter. He recovers quickly, then proceeds to make two takeout coffees. I lean over, taking delight in seeing a friend running a family business. "It's nice to finally meet your mom. Why didn't you tell me about this?"

"We just opened last month, prior to Christmas," he says, then eyes me suspiciously. "You ordered strawberry waffles. You don't like strawberries."

"Zoey," I tell him, "She loves them."

He nods, serving the coffee. I take a sip from mine as he is saying, "Rigel asked me to tell him how you're doing if I see you." I almost choked on my coffee. "Is everything okay?" He asks, but I don't think he's pertaining to my choking. "You were pretty agitated the last time I saw you," he adds.

I force a smile as I convince him that everything's fine. "Just a little bit of family matter. You know how that goes." He acknowledges what I said, but I don't think he believes a word.

When his mom comes out with my takeout, two men in cleaner's vests walk inside and sit on the other end of the counter so she goes to take their orders as Isaac takes care of my payment. Before I turn around, he makes sure to say, "Don't be too hard on yourself, Rut."