Funny facts about life

Chapter 2

1. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

 2. Suicide is not the answer. Except when the question is 'Hey, what's that thing where you kill yourself?' Then yes, it is the answer.

 3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

 4. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.

5. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

 6. If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.

 7. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

 8. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

 9. Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut up.

 10. The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

 11. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

 12. If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.

 13. Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.

 14. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

 15. Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.

16. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

 17. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR". What's my mother going to do?

 18. A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

 19. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

 20. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"

 21. The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

 22. Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

 23. The sole purpose of a child's middle name, is so they can tell when they're really in trouble.

 24. God must love stupid people. He made SO many.

25. Some people say "If you can't beat them, join them". I say "If you can't beat them, beat them", because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.

26. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

27. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

28. He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.

29. We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control.

30. Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.

31. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

32. When in doubt, mumble.

33. I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

34. Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you're an asshole.

35. I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.

36. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

37. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

38. You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket... I'd miss you heaps and think of you often.

39. Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.

40. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.