"MAAM Kim, okay ka lang?"
Napaigtad ako sa gulat ng marinig kong sinabi iyon ni sir Sam. He sat on the chair just beside mine. Magkatabi naman din kasi kami ng desk sa loob ng faculty.
"H-ha? O-oo..." I staggered a bit. I breathed and composed myself. Nasa faculty ako, wala sa pad, kaya hindi dapat ako nakatanga.
"Pansin ko kasing ilang araw ka nang parang lutang."
He glanced at me as he waited for his laptop to power up. And then Bee's picture as his wallpaper greeted my sight and my already heavy heart became heavier. How can a man ever love like that?
"M-may sakit lang." Tumikhim ako para matanggal iyong bara sa lalamunan ko. I actually wanted to tear up right on the spot. Talking to him makes the hole in my heart bigger. Sir Sam reminded me a lot of things, one of which pointed to the man with memories I just want to bury.
"I see. Magpa-check up ka na agad, baka lumala pa 'yan. Mugto iyong mga mata mo. Migraine ba 'yan?" He quipped but I answered nothing. He sighed and opened up a few files. "Alam mo si Bee, bihira lang magkasakit 'yun pero kapag magkasakit 'yun, ako iyong halos mamatay sa pag-aalala. Lalo na kapag hinihika 'yun. Hindi ako halos makatulog. Nakakatakot kaya kapag ganun.
"Kung pwede nga lang ako nalang maghawak sa nuzzle ng nebulizer buong magdamag kaya lang binabatukan lang nya ako kapag natataranta na ako eh. Hindi nya minsan naiisip na nag-aalala ako sa kalagayan nya syempre kasi mahal na mahal ko sya kahit parang hindi naman nya ako kailangan kasi, masyadong independent iyong babaeng iyon." Parang pinipiga na ang puso ko sa sakit. Hindi man nya alam, pero parang pinamumukha nya sa akin kung gaano ako kawalang-kwenta sa paningin ni Zak. Right beside me is a man who loves his girl so much, at mahirap ipaintindi sa kanyang masakit para sa akin ang masaksihan ang ganoong klaseng pagmamahal kasi alam kong hindi ako kayang mahalin ng isang tao ng ganoon katindi. Hindi ako kayang mahalin ni Zak ng ganoon katindi.
"She's very lucky to have you." I said that, out of nowhere. I just thought it was the best response to ever say to a man like him.
I almost even wanted to add how much I envy Bee for having him as her man. But then it would raise more questions. And more questions mean giving away more information than what I was supposed to give. Then realizations would give way after. Tapos malalaman nyang mali pala ang sinabi nyang migraine ang dahilan kung bakit mugto ang mga mata ko.
"That's where you're wrong, ma'am Kim." He smiled a very beautiful smile. It lightened up his whole face. "Hindi sya ang maswerte sa akin, because it's actually the other way around." He sighed dreamily. "She accepted all of me— flaws and all — she loved me even when I can't even stand looking at myself in the mirror. My nightmares hunt my every night, but she chases all those bad things away. She loved me, even if she knew the lowest points of my life. She loved me still— even if I am whom everyone knew who I was. She loved mefor all that I am, and for me, that is more than enough. She loves me because I am me, and I love her because she's an angel sent from Above. She showed me, that there's more to life than my fucking past. Hindi sya ang maswerte sa akin, ma'am Kim, kundi ako sa kanya."
After hearing that, my visions blurred. I stood up and locked myself in the bathroom. I let myself cry. Cry for all the lost chances I had.
Lost chances of finding a man who would treat a woman that way. Lost chances because of spending almost a decade of my existence loving the wrong guy.
Lost chances that I had, lost chances that I could never retrieve back.
I FOUND myself dragging my trolley bag as I headed towards the airport's gate. Nag-file ako ng two weeks leave and it was approved almost immediately.
