This Is Love

Chapter 3: Therapy

I look through my closet in interest that now all my clothes had certain happy colors, and a lack of strings. I grab a nice pair of ripped jeans liking the splash of color on the pockets. With it I go to the very back of the closet and smile when I see they hadn't moved Namjoon's dark blue hoodie. It was exactly the same, the funny noodle stain that I could never get out, and the green marker writing.

I shake my head knowing that the good memories were just covered by bad ones. I didn't want to make my self believe that he was someone who only loved me, cause he wasn't that person. He was, someone who purposely hurt me, for self gain. I slip off my night shirt and put on the hoodie though, as I wanted the lie that he only loved me. Cause nothing can change what happened to me, and I have to learn that I needed to feel comfortable with myself.

"Jin Hyung, you ready to go?" I shake my head and look at the door where Taehyung was standing. "I'll be ready in a few seconds, I was just getting changed." He nods and closes the door, making me laugh lightly when I saw his face as he closed it. I take off my shorts and put on the ripped jeans, being careful around all the holes.

I look at myself judging the fullness of my thighs, and the lack of inward curve on my stomach. I push at my stomach, wondering what I had become. Why was I so- I pull back my hand and take a deep breath. I shouldn't judge my body, I'm beautiful and I don't look ugly.

I walk out the door and someone hugs my waist, "you look amazing Jinnie Hyung." I smile and Taehyung lays his head on my shoulder, "you ready to go?" I nod and he doesn't let go laughing, "well then let's walk."

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Everyone's been overly supportive and given me massive amounts of love. The guilt still sets in my stomach though, knowing that I didn't get it as bad as others. A lot of people had to deal with it for years while I'm moping about 10x's less than that amount of time. Most get killed so I'm considered lucky, lucky to live.

Mrs. Jisoo has been my therapist for a while now and, she always tells me I'm doing exceptionally well and that she's proud of me for being open about the things that have happened. Sometimes I'd just come in saying I felt good, and she'd smile brightly and reward me with a point. It was good to know someone was rooting for you to do better face to face.

At the moment I'm sitting in the waiting room playing with the ripped part on my jeans. Taehyung decided to come with me, and I don't know why but he said it made him feel closer to me. We had always been a little distant, and I never knew why but it was good to finally be connected again. He sat next to me, coffee in hand, and would give me glances every so often.

"I'm sorry for making you come with me" I say and he gives me a warm smile, "don't be sorry I'm always gonna be here to help. Anyways I wanna be someone you can lean on," he says and puts his hand on my thigh giving a reassuring squeeze. "Thank you" I say and he just gives another smile.

The door opens and Mrs. Jisoo steps out, "Seokjin?" I get up and she smiles. "I'll be here," I laugh rolling my eyes and go down the small hall to her room. She closes the door behind us, and I take my seat on the couch and she sits down in her chair, "how have you been?" I play with the rip on my pants "I've been fine," I say and she types something on her laptop. "Any harmful thoughts?" I nod looking up at her slightly, "a few but I've been able to tell my self that I'm worth something." I say and she types more, "that's amazing Jin you're making a lot of progress. What are these thoughts telling you?"

"They are mostly about my weight, and that I'm getting fat. I know I'm not, and I'm gaining weight that I desperately need on my body but. The words still hurt." "Do you feel this way at all because of what Namjoon use to say to you?" I start to pinch at my pant rips tapping my shoes together slightly, "I don't know how to describe it." She nods and starts typing again.

"You just got out a few days ago, are you adjusting alright?" I lay back a little and sigh, "I've been doing well. I was scared they were going to treat me differently but they didn't, so that's been the best part. I miss Namjoon though, it's been 3 months." She nods typing away and then adjusts her glasses, "speaking of Namjoon, I'd like it if somehow he could come in and you could show me the growth you've had in knowing it's not your fault. You know it's not your fault correct?"

I nod tears starting to come into my eyes, "I was a good boyfriend and did everything I could to make him happy. Even if it came at the cost of being brutally hit, and he was the one who needed to change, not me. He was the one who needed to see that I was and am more than someone he can just throw around." She smiles and shuts her laptop, "you're worth something Jin. You're not useless or ugly, you are a beautiful human being." I smile too wiping my eyes and she sits her laptop down on her table, "with that good note let's end it here today." I stand up as well and she opens the door, letting me out.

"Thank you Mrs. Jisoo."