High school senior Jess Smith meets Ace of Spades, an online friend who helps her question her mask of celibacy and recognize her true asexuality. Except that their friendship begins to develop into something more.
[Featured April and May 2020 under...
I want to thank all of you for your amazing support. This story holds a very special place in my heart as some of the scenes come from my own experience. Or they're modified in some way.
A large part of my soul resides in it, flawed though the story may be.
You may be interested to know that twenty-two years ago I attended my prom alone. Back then, we didn't have the amazing thing that was Google. At school we talked about the mechanics of sex, but we didn't discuss sexuality itself.
Whenever we did discuss it in passing, we had two choices: gay or straight. Maybe bi.
In the nineties, it was a simple equation. Or so we thought.
woman + wants to be with a guy = straight
Asexuality as it's known today was still classified as HSDD, a mental illness according to the old DSM manuals. Yep, as late as the nineties. That's right, folks. Now it's been modified to exclude people who identify on the ace spectrum.
So, of course, no one talked about it. It was all, "You'll find the right guy when you're older," or "You have plenty of time for that." Or some other crap.
Attending Catholic school didn't help in that regard either. I can't tell you how many times everyone said how proud they were of me for being such a good girl.
Seriously?
At that time, I didn't understand my thoughts and feelings, to be honest. I didn't have the words to express it. So I couldn't voice my true identity back then. Sexuality is fluid, and at the age of eighteen, I was aro/ace without realizing it. Now I'm more of a sapioromantic gray asexual.
Because I was so driven to do well in school--and I'm introverted by nature--I had only a handful of friends. None of them super close. To me, the logical conclusion was that I should go alone.
So I went alone. Hung out. Danced with a few friends.
Sure, I had a great time, but I felt like a fish out of water.
Oops! This image does not follow our content guidelines. To continue publishing, please remove it or upload a different image.
Me before my Senior Prom, 1998
Mask of Celibacy is my own 'what-if' question about my life. What if I'd known about the ace spectrum earlier? What if I'd met people who understood me? What if I'd found a man who could comprehend my experience of the world before I hit my mid-thirties?
Jeez, I didn't even know asexuality was a thing before I came to Wattpad.
Am I allowed to even admit that?
I just assumed I was a weird nerd. Or a half-dwarf from Tolkien's universe. Or some strange being that couldn't relate to the rest of humanity. Like a Martian or something.
Nope, I'm not a Martian.
I'm ace. And I'm healthy and whole.
This story isn't just a what-if for me. This is me. Exploring my own questions along with Jess. Trying so desperately to discover who I am and how to define this identity that I've had all along.
I'm forty now. And I'm still trying to figure myself out. How about that?
Young people today have the great fortune of places like Wattpad. And AVEN. And Google. And other platforms as well. I'm fricking proud of that! We have come so far! Use those resources--judiciously, of course--so that you can garner a better understanding of yourself.
Know yourself, and stay true to yourself. Always.
Happy reading and writing,
Carolyn Hill
P.S. It's scary af writing this, but I'm doing it anyway. #ownstories
