Jane And Austin

Chapter 16 - Answers

[Recap- Jane was left in tears when Susan announced that she had an ocean of feeling for Austin in her heart]

My sobbing got intense when Susan took the name of Austin. I couldn't think, but I felt I was cruel. My world was shattering down on me again. In those seconds, I felt numb, and shattered, and sad, and hurt. I felt everything about sadness in those few seconds. Susan or Austin? My mind kept asking me.

"I am sorry. I really didn't know," before I could finish, she said, "Just go and I am happy for you."

"He isn't my boyfriend... I won't talk to him. I am sorry, Suzy." I said, holding the knob of the door and trying to crush it down to weaken the pain which was surrounding me.

"Go." She started to go away as her hands went to her face. It looked like she was hiding her tears.

"Suzy? Listen to me. Please. I am sorry." And then there was no one. Except me and my tears.

Austin came up to me when I stepped outside. He asked me questions which I couldn't answer, even though I wanted to, after all, he knew how to handle the cyclones and tsunamis inside me. I wanted to talk to him, to spend time with him, to share my pain with him, but I just drove forward. Without saying a word.

My home wasn't far away, and when I didn't accompany him into his car, Austin just walked with me and Oscar. Repeated questions were asked, and I felt bad for hurting two of the most important people in my life. Even though I had denied it, but Austin had been... important. I looked at the letter, the first thing I had to do after reaching home was be to burn it down, I thought.
Just around 100m away from my house, the terrain got tough. It was sloping, and I knew I was just a step away. Tears were still accompanying me and so were his questions, and I was just thinking about what had happened. I was lost, and I hardly concentrated on the terrain. I wondered why was life so rough on me? Why did it try to take everything away from me? Why was I supposed to sacrifice always?

I looked down on the edges of the letter which would never be with him, and like always, what I feared had happened. I felt like I was a disaster, and it would have been better if I had protected Austin from it, but I knew I still had a chance to push him far away from my hurricane. Meanwhile, his words, "It is never too late," echoed in my brain.

I was thinking about everything that had happened. From Susan to Austin. From me finally giving Austin a chance to losing Susan. From me giving my heart to Austin to Susan, possibly, hating me. I was thinking about everything but falling.

Not falling in love which I couldn't control but falling. Falling on the ground. Austin was looking staring at me with his wide eyes as I lay on the ground, infused with shock and Oscar was restless. My wheelchair was a meter away from me on the ground, and I just lay there for a minute, astounded with that had happened. "Are you okay?" Austin said.

"Yes," I was about to say, but I didn't.

I slowly got up and sat down on the ground while Austin brought the wheelchair up to me; held my hands to give me support, but that was what I didn't want. That was why I didn't want to go anywhere. I wanted to feel that I was sufficient, that I didn't need anyone else to go out, that I didn't need support and so, I didn't let him hold it and said, "Don't touch me." He retreated, instantly, glaring at my eyes as if I had struck a nerve; as if he was hurt.

I was the bird who couldn't fly even after innumerable attempts. On my first try to get up, my wheelchair moved away. Second try, failed. Third... Fourth and fifth... and I still had no signs of success. Austin was just looking at my helplessness, and like always, it wasn't his fault. I deserved everything that was happening to me. Even the mild wind, which flowed around me, was making me tremble. It was making me hopeless. Determination surged in me again when I tried again. For the nth time. But, my wheelchair had decided that it won't let me get back in it by myself. I hated my visit. I wished that I had never came. I wished Austin didn't come into my life holding a beam of light.

When I had given up and deep down in my heart, I was wishing for him to help me and right at that moment, he held my wheelchair and I got up, finally. Connection of hearts, but I was going to sacrifice it.
When I moved ahead, Oscar stayed back and barked a couple of times; I told him to accompany me. Austin didn't leave me until I reached home safely. A word didn't leave his mouth, not even when I looked at him for a millisecond and I knew he was hurt and I was sorry, but I couldn't say it. I asked to the universe, "Why always me?"

At home, mom was waiting for me. She asked, "How did it go?" as soon as I entered, with a smile which I had never seen on her face, but unfortunately; I couldn't control the tears coming on my face and her smile disappeared like it was never there.
I just walked past her and she asked, "What did he do?"

Mom followed me to the slope and carried me above. "He didn't do anything, but no one deserves a girl like me, mom," I finally said. Gasping for breath. Suddenly, the ample oxygen in Lansville had abandoned me. Mom came in front of me and sat on her knees. I wondered what she was doing and like me, she was trying to hide her tears. Eyes. They tell you everything. Out of nowhere, she hugged me. Tightly. And it felt like forever since I felt like I was in heaven even though only hours ago, I felt the same, but the time between both of the events felt like forever. Every second which I passed was like hell and I thought, the universe longs for balance.

When I reached my room, I just lay on my bed and cried. Cried until I was tired of crying. I checked my phone. No notifications. I looked at my ceiling, laden with numerable drawn stars and wondered if Austin was ever going to contact me again, and I concluded that he wouldn't. Just hours ago, I was happy. I was happy with Austin. With him, I didn't care about anything else and I wondered about his words, "When I am with you, nothing can go wrong."
I stared at screen, waiting for a message which wasn't going to come. We had spent our nights just talking to each other, but I had closed the door of something which was so close to me. Yet again.
I lost Austin and possibly Susan. Austin was someone I had liked... after so many years. I kept staring outside of my window, witnessing that even the most aesthetic nights can be filled with anguish. I glanced at the moon, the stars, the streets, the trees and the ground. THE GROUND. Susan had been visiting the ground for over a year and the girl Austin was talking about was her. How did it skip my mind when Austin told me that a girl stares at him in the ground?
Connecting the dots. Suddenly, I could connect each of the dots which had bewildered my mind over the past week when I could connect none.

The questions hovering in my mind finally had their answers.
Secrets. They ruin everything. How could I even think about being with someone loved by my best friend? Susan never had a boyfriend and she had been loving Austin for more time than me, and Austin deserved better than me. Susan was just that.

I wanted to spend time with Austin, I wanted to be with Austin, and I wanted be Austin's, but that thought which brought ecstasy to me was now filling my heart with sorrow and anguish of remorse. "Your love for someone can simply be understood by what you are willing to sacrifice for them," My mom always used to say that, and I never understood its significance until then. I was willing to sacrifice. Sacrifice my dream to be with Austin for Susan and sacrifice my dream for Austin to get someone better. I wondered that maybe, Austin was right. Dreams don't come true.
And I knew everything should end, even though I wished that it didn't. For a moment, I thought about keeping Austin with me, but only a moment in that thought trapped me in guilt and then, I stared at the walls of my room, thinking about the memories, the way he used to sing for me, the hours spent in the garden, the hours spent around the lake, our endless texting, the letter he wrote to me.. THE LETTER...
My heart was feeling heavy again.

Amidst all the chaos, I forgot to give him the letter I wrote after hundreds of attempts and I decided to burn both of them. The copy which was written to keep it as a memory and the original, which was kept in my pocket. I wiped my tears off and reached my pocket to take it out before retreating. The reason? I wanted to read it for one last time before burning it and I just wasn't ready to read it.
And I was back to where I was at the start, crying and overthinking, but that time... not for Jaime.

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