I WISH THAT I COULD TELL YOU

Chapter 13 - in which a dachshund named Audrey wears a pink tutu

The next day, although the fever was gone, and Lita no longer complained of the pain, Camila kept her home from school and took her to the doctor and Shawn stayed home to look after Max and work on his music. She was a little jealous, she realised. Well, you could do it too, if you wanted, her inner voice reminded her. She could, couldn't she? The more she thought of it, the more she was excited to get home and do it. The doctor prescribed antibiotics for an ear infection and after picking up the medication they headed home. She kept the kids out of Shawn's hair so he could work, putting a movie on for Lita and serving her some icecream, while she fed and played with Max. Her mother rang to find out how Lita was and she gave her the good news, but when Sinu offered to come over and look after them, although it was unnecessary, she accepted. She was excited suddenly, she wanted to work, she needed to work!

Shawn came out of the music room and surveyed the scene.

"How did it go?" he asked.

"Ear infection. She's had them quite a few times before, antibiotics should get rid of it."

"Oh that's good," he looked relieved.

"How was your morning?" she asked. "How are your songs coming along?"

"Good," he said. "I will have to talk to Andrew about getting some studio time soon, I'm about ready to start recording."

"A new album?" she asked with surprise.

"Yes," he said warily. She realised he wasn't sure how she would receive that news.

"That's fantastic!" she exclaimed sincerely. She was so pleased for him. He had made so many sacrifices for her, to look after her and Max and Lita, she wanted something wonderful for him.

"What are you going to do now? I mean right now?" she asked.

"I have a few things to pick up," he said. "I need to finish my Christmas shopping. I won't be home for dinner. Will you be OK?"

She nodded, realising she would miss him, even though it was only a few hours.

They had been shopping already and most of the children's and family's presents had been purchased together. It had been fun actually, just she and Shawn and Max, while Lita was at school. Shawn's family was coming for Christmas.  They were staying in a hotel, they didn't want to overburden them they said, and she knew they meant her and her depression. Karen had rung and spoken to her a couple of times in the past couple of weeks, and she sounded concerned for Camila but she must have heard from Shawn about how badly she had treated him and Camila was a little nervous about seeing her in person.

Sinu arrived and decided to take the children for a walk, so that Camila could go into the music room alone. She had been so excited her daughter was looking at working again that she would have done anything. Camila sat cross-legged on a cushion on the floor, strumming her guitar and playing with chord progressions and melodies, matching them with the lyrics she had been storing in her phone. It was the one thing that had never stopped, even during her blackest times. A lot of those lyrics were so painful she had been unable to look at them after saving them but now she decided it was important she let these emotions out through her music, even if no one ever heard it.

She spent about three hours in there working on a couple of different songs. One was sweet, about her feelings for Max, and Lita, but one was very dark, it delved into the very depths of her depression and although it was cathartic, it was also exhausting, and so she left it for a while, so she could let it breathe and give her a break. She wasn't ready to go yet though. She started tinkling on the keyboard, and her mind wandered to the kisses she and Shawn had shared in this room the day before. Her heart quickened, she felt a deep longing for something, not just his body, and not for what they had lost, but for something new and even more beautiful than they had known before. She found herself playing a melody very different from both the two she had worked on, and from anything she had written before. The words were not ones from her phone, they came from her heart, and after she had finished she quickly wrote them down, and the music.