I WISH THAT I COULD TELL YOU

Chapter 15 - in which Santa comes tonight!

The next day was Christmas Eve and Camila met Karen and Aaliyah in the morning to go shopping, with both kids in tow.  Shawn and his Dad were spending the day together as well, and she was happy to let him have a child-free day, after everything he had done for her the past months.

They had fun picking up last minute gifts, pushing in and out of the holiday crowds as they did so.  They had photos with Santa, and lunch at The Cheesecake Factory and then got home in time for Max to nap.  Aaliyah played with Lita in her room while she and Karen had a cup of tea in the kitchen.  This moment had been coming for a while, Camila knew it, and she tensed as Karen toyed with her tea before speaking.

"So, how are you really, Camila?" she asked softly, in her clipped British accent.

"I'm better than I was," she said honestly. "But I have a long way to go."

"You are amazing with the kids.  A lot different than when I was here just after you came back from Texas."

Camila looked at her in surprise.  "You came to visit?"

"You don't remember?"

"No, I don't remember a lot about that time.  I was on a lot of meds, for pain and to try to help with the depression, although it took them a few changes to get one that actually worked." 

Karen looked at her intently, trying to decide if she was telling the truth.  Well, she was.  She remembered snippets, mostly once people told her things that had happened, but there were whole chunks missing from the past few months.

"That must be terrifying," she said at last.  "For both you and Shawn, and Lita."

"They don't know," she said.  "Shawn knows I don't remember a couple of things, but he doesn't know it is pretty much the whole time."

Karen stirred her tea, to which she had added milk and sugar.  "You and Shawn, how is that going?"

Camila took a moment to answer.  Was that what she had been talking to him about in the kitchen the night before?  What had he said?  She didn't know quite what to say.  She hadn't even talked to her own Mom about that yet, and Sinu had noticed, she knew exactly how things were, that Shawn had slept in the guest room and now was back in their bedroom, she just didn't know the intimate details.

"We're working through it," she said softly.

"Can I ask you, do you still love him?" Karen asked bluntly.

Camila was shocked she would ask it, but then it was something she had been asking herself for a while now.  She wanted him, she wanted to love him, but it was more complicated than that.  Those old feelings, they had been buried deep, and now they were slowly making their way to the surface, but the world they were popping into was different than the one where she had loved him before.  Her love for Shawn was a play in three acts.  There were the feelings she had for him at seventeen, they had never really gone away, but then when she had met him again and when they had begun dating, she had fallen in love with him in a whole different, more grown up way.  Now, those two feelings were still there, deep down, but she was falling in love with him again, with the amazing man he had become, the father, the calm and patient partner.  She was enjoying this new love, but she was afraid of the depth of the love that lay beneath.  What she felt now was only the tip of an iceberg.  She wasn't sure how she would handle the hugeness of it when all the combined emotions emerged, but she knew they were there, and she knew they were coming.

"I love him," Camila said, almost in awe as she said it, excited that she could actually say it out loud.  "But, it's different now."

"Have you told him?"