Diary of a Girl from Seattle

Not Your Hero

Dear Diary,

Today started out like any other. I got up, went to school, had class with Jamie, Grace, and Enzo (sushi today), and went home to study. While I was doing school work I caught a glimpse of a headline about a skyscraper fire downtown. I checked the news footage and didn't see 19 there. I kept checking throughout the afternoon and watched as more and more stations arrived. It was clearly going to escalate to a 5 alarm so I headed to the station to help when we inevitably got called in.

When I got there Maya, Andy, and Vic were sitting in the lounge and watching the news.

"What are you doing here? You're not on shift" Andy asked as she saw Mattie walk in. Maya and Vic turned to see who Andy was talking to and repeated more of the same. "Yeah it's late" Vic said. Maya teased her, "Shouldn't you be off studying somewhere?"

Mattie laughed, "Have you seen this thing?" gesturing at the TV. "Someone's gonna need to save your asses when you get out of there." She smirked as she plopped down in a chair.

We kept saying we were going to go to bed and sleep before we got the call but we all knew that was a lie. Finally they called us in and I ran to the aid car and hopped in the back. I looked and saw Ben in the driver seat. I ran up and high-fived him congratulating him on getting the keys. Then teased him and told him not to crash it. When we got to the scene the team ran into the building to get directions from Ripley, I stayed in the aid car to take care of patients as they came out. The first victim I got was Dearborn, the reckless firefighter from the incinerator that Andy had told me about... and the firefighter she texted me about this morning, when she saw her come out of Maya's bedroom. Dearborn didn't want to leave the fire, and made that very clear when she got to me, but her leg was hurt pretty badly. While I checked her out, she saw that I was from 19 and kept talking about how she was gonna run the place soon and being pretty cocky. I could see why Andy wasn't a fan. I couldn't help but tease her, saying that if she does end up running 19, she can't have one night stands with our firefighters any more. That seemed to shut her up long enough for me to examine her leg and send her off for an X-Ray.

I watched from down below as the fire jumped floors and exploded windows on the upper levels of the building. From listening to the walkies I could tell my people were up there. I've been on this job for a while now so I've gotten used to seeing my friends in dangerous situations but this was a whole other level. I was totally freaking out. I was worried about injuries after the explosion, worried about how Vic was holding up in such an intense fire, worried about Jack and Andy being too proud and altruistic to save their own lives. My thoughts spiraled and I couldn't seem to catch my breath. Then people started coming out of the building, hundreds of them flooding out. I snapped back to attention, composed myself, and kept doing my job. I treated a lot of people with smoke inhalation and some minor burns. The only thing I could do was keep busy and wait.

I heard them call a full evacuation of the building and waited for everyone from 19 to come out. And then I kept waiting. I saw every other team come out but all of my people were still inside. Finally I saw Dean come out and ran up to him. I asked where everyone was and he told me that Jack sent him down in the elevator and stayed back to close the fire doors. He asked where everyone else was and I told him that he was the first to come out. With that he ran back into the building despite Ripley's direct order to stay outside.

Ben was the next to come out. He brought out a victim that had been trampled and they needed to get her to the hospital asap. I asked Ben if he had any news on the others and he told me that Travis was hurt, like really hurt. I started to panic again; I've watched them in danger before but never actually had any of them get hurt. Ben snapped me out of it. He shook my shoulders and told me that I couldn't think about all of it, not then, not when we had a job to do. I shook it off and worked on keeping the girl stable while Warren drove to Grey Sloan. I lost her pulse en route and bagged her and started compressions until we finally got to the hospital.

By the time we got there another rig pulled up right behind us. When the doors opened I saw Vic jump out and pull out a stretcher carrying an unconscious Travis. I ran to catch up with them as they went into the hospital. They took one look at him in the ER and brought him up to surgery. I tried to follow them up to watch in the gallery, but Maggie stopped me. She said I was too close to this one, that I should just wait with everyone else. I knew that what she said was true, but I also knew what she really meant: she didn't want me to watch Travis die. I pulled myself together and went down to the waiting room. Ben and Vic were waiting and Grant was just getting there when I made it down. I ran over and hugged Vic before we sat down together to wait for an update. While we waited for Maggie or Deluca to come update us on Travis, we watched our phones carefully for an update on the rest of the team. Last we heard Jack, Andy, Maya, and Dean were still inside, but that was all we knew.

Finally Maya texted: they found Jack and got him out. They were all okay. I breathed a sigh of relief and unclenched the fists I hadn't realized I was making. Looking down, my fingers were white and palms bleeding from where my fingernails had been. The next text she sent put me back on edge: Pruitt was back in the hospital. Ryan found him unresponsive. At the same moment, Deluca came out with an update on Travis. He was still in surgery, but that meant he was still alive. In no way is he out of the woods; there's still a very real chance he won't wake up. Then Bailey came out and informed us that the girl Ben pulled out didn't make it.

I couldn't sit still any more at that point. I got up and started walking laps around the hospital to clear my head. I texted Andy, asking her to tell me when she got to the hospital. I knew I had to be there for her but needed to gather myself first. I made my way down to the basement wings where I used to hang with Meredith and everyone when they were interns. Somehow that spot still feels like the safest place I could ever be. I sat there for a while until Andy texted. I took a deep breath and went off to find her.

There are days that this job is amazing, and fulfilling, and beautiful. And then there are days like this. The ones that break you down and make you question everything you thought you knew.

-Mattie