Thoughts

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Is this all a terrible idea?

It feels like an obsession. Like it's not healthy. Like if she seems to have moved on, shouldn't I have?
But then again, maybe it's different.

Maybe it's because she lost feelings first. I haven't lost them, even still.

I have good intentions! Like a puppy who's brought a dead rat into the house.
I don't want to make her upset, or cry, or feel any emotion that isn't happiness, forgiveness and even love for me. That would be great...

I keep thinking about when her best friend asked me "Do you miss her?..." and I got very nervous. I got shy. I panicked. I said "yeah, sometimes. I wish we were still friends".
This was a lie.
I wish we were still more than friends. I wish she was still mine and I hers. I wish our lives were still intertwined, our hearts still yearning for each other and not distracted with all of the worlds bullshit.

I just wish I still could call her when I'm upset. I hope she knows I'd never ever be mad if she called me if she was upset. Never, ever.
I'd be proud, and I'd be happy, and I'd be just glad to know she thought of me.
Even in the down times.
Even just a little bit.
Even just once.

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