Last night was the first time in nearly a year that I've contemplated suicide. It's quite possibly the closest I've come to committing suicide, though as I'm writing this to you now you can presume I didn't follow through.
I would however like to share what my thoughts were, so I can better understand them and hopefully they serve as context for you too;
Everybody hates me. My friends are all turning away, I'm not noticed at work OR if I am it's because they don't like me. I can't tell my parents. I can't tell my ex. My best friend is busy so I can't tell him. My other friends are busy or already know but aren't experts or anything, most of them are depressed themselves. I can't call anxiety helpline. I can't call Lifeline. Am I alone? I could call my ex but why should she care? We've nearly been broken up a year? And yet she's the closest thing I have to someone who cares. I have to go to dance in 15 minutes. But I can't move. I can move, but I don't want too. I want to curl up in bed- No! I want to curl up in bed next to someone. Someone to hold or to hold me. To help me, calm, sooth, sing to me. Someone who cares. But who?
Not my ex (Though I wish as much as I shouldn't). Not my best friend until October. Not my family, nor any other friends of mine as they're too far away or wouldn't care or be free or can't get there. Should I suck it up? Feeling like death incarnate, just waltz into dance, put a fake smile on, hide the shakes from the panic attack you're having and just do it...
And that's what I did. And afterwards I was still in a panic attack. And I told a friend of mine afterwards but there was nothing to be done. Eventually the moment passed, but this moment lasted hours. If I hadn't slept properly or at the right time, it could have lasted days. And yet, there is and was nothing to be done. It's over now. Unto the next one, that I can feel coming. Brewing like a fermented wine and rumbling closer like an oncoming storm. Here comes the drums... Here... comes... the drums...
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YOU ARE READING
Poems of a Broken Man
PoetryHere you will find short examples of poetry, from me, a broken man. I'm not as broken as others, but as a writer, one of the most creative and vulnerable things you can be is broken. If you have one take away from these, please make it this; Check u...
