Wallflower Ink

Chapter 20

· Merri ·

The rest of the evening at the bar had gone surprisingly well. I had enjoyed both Katie's and Kyle's company more than I had expected to, especially following the faux pas that had been the source of one of the most powerful panic attacks I'd had in years.

Aside from Kyle's apology none of the group had brought it up again, and I was thankful for that. My anxiety attacks have always been a big part of my life, and for once I was able to get past one without having to explain myself to anyone.

Throughout the evening Jace had occasionally touched me--the back of my hand, my elbow, my shoulder--and I'd found each time his fingers made contact with my skin any misgivings that remained slipped further and further away.

As I stand now before the living room window in the dark, a glass of wine in my hand, I stare at the sky and wonder at that. It makes very little sense to me, how just one tiny touch can erase--at least for a few moments--years of fear and apprehension from my mind. I sigh, take a sip from my glass, then place my free hand against the cold window pane.

Keeping distant from Jace is becoming harder every day, and I wonder at that too. I've never had much problem in that area before, being closed off from anyone I choose. But even though I've tried with him it isn't working.

Frustrated at my sudden lack of emotional control, I close my eyes and wait for the faces that always come to me in the dark, the eyes that haunt the night, those that serve to remind me of the task I've lain down for myself. But though I wait, tonight they do not come. Only darkness lays before me, indifferent still, yet no longer quite so cold. And in the dark silence in my mind I find a tiny glint of something else. I open my eyes, not wanting to know what that something else might be. It can only be yet another distraction from what is important.

I sip from my glass then set it on the floor by my feet. Rising back up, I lay my other palm against the glass and focus on the chill that seeps from it and into my flesh. Here is the cold I seek, the chill that clears my mind and lets me focus my thoughts into their normal, narrow line.

"Merri?"

I jump and pull my hands from the window, like a child being caught with both hands in a sugar bowl. My heart gives a warning thud and I swallow against it.

"You okay?" His voice is filled with concern and I try not to let it sway me from my current mood.

"Yes," I say as I listen to his bare feet pad across the room before they stop behind me. "I ... have trouble sleeping sometimes," I offer him as an excuse.

"Yeah, me too."

I can feel his warmth in the space between us, and I try not to focus on it. But it is such a comfort, just as it had been earlier tonight, when his arms had wrapped themselves around me. But I don't want that comfort now.

"Feel like taking a walk?" he asks me softly.

I bite my lip then turn to look at him. He is looking down at me but I can't read his expression. Against my will, his gaze coaxes a nod from me and I swallow against the panic it stirs up inside me. But then his small smile dispels it, just as easily as his touch had hours before.

Reaching out and taking my hand, like an adult would a frightened child's, he leads me to the door, opens it, then quietly descends the stairs and steps out into the yard. It's been years since I've walked barefoot in the grass, and the chill of the dew on my bare skin is invigorating. I smile as I watch my feet, each step multifaceted in the full moon's light, as if they are studded in tiny opals.