Tainted Me

Chapter 10: Break Stuff (past)

TRIGGER WARNING: Some scenes in this chapter may contain sensitive material. Alcohol abuse, violence, and self-harm are some topics mentioned. If you feel uneasy, please feel free to stop reading immediately.

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ONE YEAR AGO

This couldn't be real.

I looked at the photos again – photos of someone I used to know lying face first on the floor... photos taken from that night... photos that shouldn't exist. No phones were allowed then, so who the hell took these?

This was some fucking I-Know-What-You-Did-Last-Summer shit. I already put all this fucked up mess behind me. I was finally moving on, goddamn it.

But someone wouldn't let me.

Maybe because I didn't deserve to move on. Maybe I shouldn't be happy to live on with my life. Maybe I should be swimming in my own guilt, in penance for what I did. Maybe I didn't deserve to live.

Later that afternoon, I brought out all the liquor we had in the apartment and got shitfaced in the kitchen.

I wanna be drunk enough to forget. I wanna be drunk enough not to give a shit. I wanna be drunk enough to drink myself to death.

"What the fuck, Alfie?"

I lolled my head and saw Byron with a scowl as he looked around the mess. I raised a finger, before barfing some more in the sink. I didn't eat all day, so all I could puke was the alcohol I drank.

When I was done, I turned on the faucet and tried to gargle. Then, I washed my sweaty face. I did a sloppy job, but whatever.

"What's wrong with you?" Byron demanded.

I turned around and grinned at him. I could tell him all that was wrong with my life, but that would take too long and I just wanna pass out on the couch.

So I settled for, "Everything."

Every goddamn thing.

My best friends weren't here.

Oz was living his best life with his girlfriend, making a huge buzz in the NFL since he was expected to be drafted soon. Connie finally found a place where she belonged, with people who were now her family.

My friends weren't here.

Kurt had a new life, with new friends and a new team who treated him like a king. Frisco was happy being his good boy self, surrounded by people who didn't corrupt him at every turn.

My parents were never here.

Mom made me feel her presence by sending me shit I didn't need to make up for choosing her husband over me. And if Dad wasn't in rehab, he was either too busy dealing with his company or trying not to be an alcoholic son of a bitch.

I didn't blame my friends for having a life. I was happy that they didn't have any shit hanging over their heads like I did. It just fucking sucked that I was no longer part of their life.

I was part of no one's life.

All I had was my own.

And I didn't fucking deserve it.

Now, demons from my past were catching up to me. They didn't want me to move on. They didn't want me to have a life. They didn't want me to live in peace.

Maybe they didn't want me to live at all.

You and me both, motherfucker.

Byron walked closer to me and put a hand on my shoulder. "You know you can always talk to me, right?"