The Landlord

Chapter 36

Chapter 36

"What...?"

Despite my shock and hurt, Matt remained unapologetic. "Well, you didn't share with me anything about August. Ruth, he cut your breaks."

"So you're going to punish me for that? By taking my kids?"

He rolled his eyes. "Don't overreact and make a show. I'm not taking them, they just can't be here. Obviously, you're more than welcome to come and visit them. Either at home or when my mom is watching them. You could even take them to your parents house and stay with them."

"First of all, I'm not overreacting. Instead of waiting to win full-custody, you're making it happen now. You're using this as an excuse to make it happen now! I won't have any time with them alone or on my terms!" I shouted. "What have I done that has been so fucking bad and wrong that I can't have my kids?! You keep fighting me, but I haven't had a sip of liquor, haven't partied once, seen any friends, done anything that makes it okay to not see my kids!"

He slammed his hand against the wall next to us. "Stop! You're still so fucking selfish, this is not about you! It's about the kids! I don't know how you justify letting our kids sleep within ear-shot of a man who tried to kill you!"

"It's not like I have control! This is where I live! You think I'm fine and comfortable knowing he is right next door?!"

"Good, then you understand why I'm not letting the kids back here."

I would hate not being in my own place with my kids. But as long as I'm still allowed to have my kids to myself, I wouldn't feel like he was trying to take them away. I sighed. "Yes, I understand, but if you have nothing against me, then I will still be allowed my time, without anyone intruding, even if it's not here. Correct?"

He searched my eyes for a long moment. "No."

"Then it fucking is about me! You're doing this because of me then! What would be so bad about having my time with them elsewhere?"

"It's really not because of you." Forcing his lean body to relax, he spoke slowly, folding his hands together. "It's about August. Even if you weren't living next to him, it wouldn't matter. He might still come after you, wherever you are. What if he strikes again when the kids are with you?"

Unfortunately, I could not ague with his point. "I just... I know. But... these are my kids too. I know what you're goal is and I feel like you are using this as an excuse to take them away even faster." Tears clouded my vision suddenly and I looked away.

"Jesus, it's not, okay? Just stop. Your dad said there might be a chance he gets arrested soon. If he does, you can have the kids back on the weekends, okay? This is just for safety reasons, I promise. Until then though... you can only see them with me or someone else around."

The ache grew in my chest and crawled up towards my throat. Staring at the ground, I spoke in a dazed and numb voice. "I'm with you about their safety. Next weekend, I'll come and see them." Then I opened the door. "Now just please go."

***

For every one step forward, it was five steps back into a pile of horse shit. Losing the chance to have my boys made my mind reel. I didn't care that I could still see them on weekends; it would basically be just visiting my kids with supervision. It was not the same at all and it filled me with anxiety and anger.

All I've been doing is trying. Trying to be a better person and mother, and what do I get? This! I was aware Matt was concerned with the boys safety and not my past mistakes, but still, what the hell? If that was the case, why couldn't I still have the boys for the weekend to myself and just stay somewhere else? Apparently I was incapable of protecting my own kids because I also would need someone else with me!