Colour Me

(5)

The funeral was short but it felt like forever.

Frozen to the spot, I stood there watching time pass by me like a runway away train and in that moment I couldn't comprehend anything inside my brain. Agony pinned me to the ground leaving me so sore yet numb. And I knew, deep inside, I'd never be the same again.

The snow cascaded down the concrete floor as we stepped out of the car. The front stairs of the chapel we're covered with snowflakes. Some still solid while others smelled away. I held on to my taxido a little harder trying to warm myself. I felt my father's arms rub my shoulders up and down trying to keep me warm. He looked at me with teary eyes and gave me a smile like an assurance that everything will be fine.

Father cried the night mum passed away. In the corner of the living room, he sat drowning his sorrows in a bottle of whiskey. But no amount of alcohol can replace the pain of losing a wife.

I blinked away the memory and smiled back at him. We walked up the stairs and into the chapel. Everyone inside sat in complete silence all dressed in the melancholy black. Others wept onto their handkerchiefs while others gave us a sympathetic gaze. I saw my once upon a time friends seated in the front. Dylan's eyes were as red as the blood that flows in our veins. Emilia smiled at me and whispered "my condolences". I smiled back and walked over to my seat in the front.

Father broke down again when he saw the corpse of his wife on the pulpit. I squeezed his hand firmly and slowly, he stopped crying. As I too stared at my mother's lifeless figure, my mind drifted away.

«»«»«»«»

This all began the day she fell to the ground as the last verse of Best Song Ever played in the background. The memories of me rushing to the hospital with my mother come surging in my mind and a tear rolls down my face. Nurses come running towards me as I tried to catch my breath once again. I still remember the painful words that flowed out of the doctor's lips when mother got admitted.

Lung Cancer.

She only had a few weeks left he told me and that tore me up even more. I cried out in anguish as the doctor wait on explaining, staining the ceramic tiles of his office with salty tears. The doctor finished explaining everything and escorted me to my mother's room. There she laid on the hospital bed,  a nasal cannula supporting her breathing. Unable to contain myself, I broke down even more on the chest of the doctor. He gently rubbed my shoulder and whispered repeatedly

It's going to be okay.

I spent each and every day with her, not letting a single minute slip away. We'd spend the entire day together. Some days, we'd spend it watching comedies, laughing about something Kevin Hart said. Other days, she'd watch me try to dance to One Direction songs, especially the ones from her favorite album, Take Me Home. Mother would laugh her lungs out as she watched me sing out the wrong lyrics to Up All Night. At that very moment, I got a glimpse of her greatest smile and it hurts to know I'll never see it again.

Some days, we'd paint or draw whatever we imagined on plain paper. She amusingly put paint on my face which ill struggle to wipe out later. I still have the sunflower she painted for me and I'll cherish it for as long as I can.

However, when sweet turned sour and I was engulfed by sorrow, tears would burst out of my eyes. At night, when mother was fast asleep, I'd cry miserably. Our entire reminiscence would pang my mind and it hurts to know will never do them again. The dances, the paintings and all the laughs will forever echo inside my head as it finds into a memory. Sometimes, I'd rest my head on your hand a sob on it. Wishing and praying you wouldn't leave but, in the end, death is goodbye that doesn't give you enough hellos.