Ineffable Husbands One Shots

Is this the real life?

Crowley was taking a walk in St James's Park. He had been doing that quite often lately, usually with Aziraphale, but this time he was alone. Or, at least he thought he was alone.

He had been walking along when he smelled something awful. His gaze moved to the right to see Hastur lounging smugly on a bench. His and Aziraphale's bench, mind you. Rage boiled inside him, but he didn't act upon it. There was also a small bit of fear bubbling in his throat, enough to make him act rationally.

"Well if it isn't the flash bastard Crowley," Hastur sneered at him, fully spread out on the bench, legs apart, arms stretched over the backrest.

"Hastur! What the heaven are you doing, showing your wretched face here?" Crowley feigned a polite tone. He topped it off with the fakest smile the universe had ever seen.

"We are here because zzomeone has done something very... bad," Crowley turned to see Beelzebub. They stood in front of a handful of other demons standing in an awkward, evil clump.

"And what exactly is the problem with that? I thought demons were meant to do bad!" Crowley was surprised to see them here, but he hid it quite well. He wondered what could have possibly happened that was important enough to bring a horde of demons to Earth.

"Not like thizz," Beezlebub said stiffly, voice teetering with... emotion? What in the...?

Crowley's silent question was answered as he saw their boil-covered hand motion to a body laying on the ground. The form appeared to be male, wearing very posh-looking, all-grey clothes. "Gabriel," he was, quite frankly astounded. Though, he had to admit, he did not see this as a tragedy. But he was fully aware (as was most of hell (he was unsure about heaven), although they didn't speak of it) that Beezlebub and the archangel had a certain... connection.

"It was discorporation due to hellfire burns. One of you numbskullzz did this and I am going to find out who it wazz," Beezlebub said threateningly. Crowley's eyebrows flew up above his sunglasses. This situation was getting crazier and crazier! Demons come to earth, an archangel dead, killed by hellfire, Crowley was not expecting any of this.

"I can assure you it weren't me ma'am-" with a straight face, Beezlebub snapped and the demon who had spoken was discorporated in addition. Crowley winced. He did not miss any of the demons. He was done here. He turned and started towards his flat.

"Crowley?!" Hastur called after him. "You can't just leave!"

Crowley held up a middle finger and continued on his way.

"Oh, that serpent! He is going to regret that-"

"Let him go," Crowley heard Beezlebub's drawling voice as he continued sauntering away from the mess of demons. "He hasn't been to hell, where would he have gotten the hellfire? It wazzn't him," Crowley was surprised he got let off the hook so easily, especially because their reasoning didn't make sense. He could conjure up hellfire! But Beezlebub was right, it wasn't him. And he wasn't going to inquire about why they let him go.

But... he was surprised by a lot of things, actually. How had he missed the demons? And Gabriel's body? And more importantly, what were the humans going to do about this? Crowley thought about going back to prevent fights that were bound to break out involving humans, but decided against it. The demons were not his problem anymore.

When he finally opened the door to his flat he was surprised to find Aziraphale sitting in his throne-like chair, with his back to him.

"Aziraphale?" Crowley inquired softly. "What are you doing here?" he asked curiously, not impolitely.