ruby

one bracelet less

i read the phrase,
my love,
and i felt a tremor down my spine.
not the ones that used to make me forget i had legs
or one that gave me a pit for a stomach.
it was a feeling of confinement,
you outgrew that title.
and i was looking at the cover,
the facade,
the lie
that was shed,
and all i could see was how
unappealing it all was.
for the first time,
i read that phrase
and realized,
it's no longer representative of where i am at.

- i think i'm nearing your expiration date. hello, long awaited friend.

i cut the bracelet off.
loosened my grip on the ties.
finally,
one thing that has crept up on me
and i don't mind it.
not at all.

- i forgot about the growth part of growing pains.

...

i finally love you enough
to realize the existence of that love
does not necessarily call for
action.
to truly love you
is to release you.
to truly love you
is to say no to you
and yes to me.
so one last time,
i love you.
and this is how i'm choosing to show it.
it may hurt but then again you never did care about how your process of healing affected me. so thank you for allowing me the same selfish privilege. i see the appeal.

- pardon the frank tone, but how is that working for you so far?

...

i look in the mirror
as i dance to the next breakup song
shaving cream bottle in hand
as the stand in microphone of course.
i look at my murky hazel eyes
and wow,
have i gotten good at appreciating them myself.
good things have happened to me.
good things are happening to me.
good things will happen to me.
pity overstayed its welcome
and i am enjoying its absence,
along with yours.

- metamorphosis.

...

i was a self-diagnosed
c r i p p l e
leaning on a crutch i never needed.

...

i pray the blantant progress doesn't cloud the message. all i have ever wanted is what is best for you. that is a truth rooted and intertwined and grounded in my very existence. but you were right. i'm not what's best and that's the why. that's the why for it all. you got to have the final say and now i finally agree with it. i hope it was final for you because it is concrete for me.