the last thing i wanna do (lil peep fanfic)

five

i sighed, looking at the mess of my apartment. this would be horrible to clean. i cleared out my fridge. i had absolutely nothing to eat. wonderful. i started picking up the dirty clothes on my bedroom floor when there was a knock on the door. i opened it and saw some bags of groceries. there was a note.

hi lillian!
i figured it'd be shit to have to clean your apartment
and then have to go shopping for food, so i asked peep
about your favorite foods and i got you some stuff to
eat. i really hope you appreciate it.
~wicca phase springs eternal

i smiled and brought the food inside, putting it in the fridge and cabinets. i got a text and sighed.

peep🐤: sooooooo care to explain?
me: ???
peep🐤: mr. wicca?
me: uh
peep🐤: not saying hes a bad guy or anything, but he jus doesnt seem like ur type. u don't look like u attract quiet looking sad bois
me: what does it look like i attract then?
peep🐤: idk. guys like tracy, ones that r cool looking and don't look like dorks
me: ok and?
peep🐤: anyways gonna use ur daddy kink w him?
me: GUSTAV
peep🐤: wha? u used it w me
me: i'm gonna kill u
peep🐤: uh huh.
me: turn ur location on pussy
peep🐤: at tracy's, if u wanna try u can
peep🐤: i don't think ur new boytoy would like u murdering his friend anyways so
me: fuck u
peep🐤: he can try, i don't think he can compare to this legend
me: one time in high school, bc u wanted to know what it's like
peep🐤: u love it😘😘
me: ur a hellboy
peep🐤: dats my name
me: fuck u, i need to keep cleaning so bye
[read 2:46]

i sighed and returned to picking up my bedroom. gus was a menace. i found a piece of paper. i started to read it, then threw it across the room. it was my suicide note.

*flashback*

it was attached to my fan. the rope. i glanced at the suicide note sitting on my pillow. i don't know who was gonna find me. hopefully not gus, he'd... he'd be traumatized. i didn't even know when he was coming back from tour, he had basically dropped me by now. partying with his other friends, the druggies and the whores who would do anything for his dick. and i was... nothing to him now, probably.
i didn't know if it was the xanax, or the finality of it all, but i wasn't scared. i stepped up onto the stool and brought the loop closer to my neck. this would've been easier if tracy let me borrow his glock, but he didn't trust me. so i'm doing this. i put my head in the loop and felt a tear fall from my eye. no. i wiped it away. it's not a time for crying.
i hesitated and reached for my phone.

me: hey, peep. love you
peep🐤: i love u too l, but i can't have a convo rn, busy w mackned, i'm sorry, msg me later

i tossed my phone onto the floor. he didn't care. no one did. no one gave a fuck about me. those words kept repeating through my head as i tightened the loop around my neck. i knew it would tighten itself when it was supporting my weight, but i didn't want to take the chance i'd fall out. stop hesitating. i kicked the stool out from under me and immediately felt the rope tighten around my neck. a few seconds later, the edges of my vision started blackening. i heard a noise. it was the upstairs neighbors, they're loud. except i heard it get closer. "lillian?"
my vision darkened more, fuck, please pass out please pass out, please-
"lillian!" i recognized the voice, but i couldn't tell who it was. they ran out of the room and my vision went dark completely. then i hit the ground hard. instinctively, my lungs gasped for breath. "lillian..."
i looked up and shook my head. "tracy-"
he picked me up and hugged me. "i'm sorry, i'm sorry, you're gonna hate me, but... you need to go to the hospital."

i bit my lip. that is one of the worst memories of my life. i heard the pain in his voice, he was... scared. for me. he cared, and he was almost too late. he explained later he had a bad feeling and wanted to check in on me. if he didn't, i'd be dead. i screamed. fuck, i wanna be dead! does no one fucking understand that? i started crying and buried my head into my knees. cry, cry, cry, all i do is cry and take drugs, all i do is fuck up stuff with other people. i grabbed my phone.

me: ur hella cool n i really like u but like i'm not in a good mental place and i don't wanna project that onto you, i hope u get that ☹️ i'm sorry
adam: ya no i get that, pls get better love i'm here for u 💕

i turned my phone off, that's all i needed. if gus or tracy or anyone asked anything, they'd ask adam, and adam knew. adam knew i was broken.