the last thing i wanna do (lil peep fanfic)

nine

i opened my phone to the texts i had received while i was away.

momma peep: text me when you're out, okay?
me: i'm out now, js wanted to let u know
momma peep: good! text or call me if you need anything love, okay?
me: ok

adam: tracy went to ur apartment and ur not there, where r u? you okay????

toopoor: i kno we haven't talked in a long time but i heard, u ok?

fish🐸: peep misses you, you know
fish🐸: where are you anyways?

tracy: tf are you???
tracy: went to ur apartment and ur not there
tracy: no one else knows
tracy: does momma peep know? she ain't telling me nothing

unknown number: bruh deadass the rest of gbc is worried abt u and i barely know who u are, fish gave me ur # -mackned

peep🐤: where are u???? i'm fuckin worried bby, pls tell me you're ok. does momma know? she's not telling me anything and she's the only person u would trust. jus tell me ur ok and alive.
peep🐤: ok so you didn't see the text... u alive??????? fuck we are all worried, even mackned n horse head
peep🐤: u don't understand how worried i am
peep🐤: did u commit? wouldn't it be in the news? so ur alive right? wicca looked at obituaries an ur name isn't there so... that's good
peep🐤: please tell me ur ok
peep🐤: had a recording session w smoke and i couldn't get thru it.
peep🐤: yunggoth posted a thing on his ig story abt u, asking if anyone seen you
peep🐤: so many ppl care abt u, believe me. gbc, me, momma, goth, even layla i heard texted u. ppl care abt u, lillian pls
peep🐤: it's three am and i'm smoking a blunt thinking abt u. i'd do xans but i don't wana forget u, u know?
peep🐤: i'm losing hope ur alive...

i left all of them on read. i couldn't do this. i couldn't do... life. there was a knock on the door and i sighed and opened it. "lay..."
"i know. you don't wanna see anyone. and no, gus doesn't know. we aren't on speaking terms." she came inside. "i won't tell anyone. i'm gonna help you clean this place and yourself up."
"you don't have to." i mumbled.
"uh, yeah." she looked around. "no offense, but this place is a fucking mess."
"i know."
"okay, what you're gonna do is put your clothes in the laundry basket." she dragged me to my room. she started stripping my bed and bringing the sheets and blankets to the washing machine. i sighed and put my dirty clothes into the laundry basket and brought it to the washing machine and threw them in. she added detergent. "see? that wasn't too bad. and now your room looks way better."
"i guess."
we went to the kitchen and she started throwing pill bottles into the trash. "these are all empty? fucking hell."
i sighed. "what am i supposed to do?"
"order a pizza. we'll eat it. you gotta have some food in your system. oh, don't forget soda!"
i called the pizza place while she cleaned the kitchen. once i was done, i turned to her. "what now?"
"go shower. properly. shampoo, conditioner, body wash, everything. i don't care if it takes an hour. do it. and i'll be checking in on you too."
i went to grab some clean clothes and went to the bathroom. i noticed the razor was gone. she must've swiped it when i wasn't looking. as i got into the shower, i started thinking. she was kinda scary, to be honest. i know it was for my own good, but... i shampooed my hair and rinsed it out, and then out in conditioner. she knocked on the door. "you good?"
"yeah." i called back.
"good."
i washed my face, then rinsed out the conditioner. i cleaned my body, then sat under the water for a bit longer. then i got out, dried myself, and got dressed. i brushed my hair then left the bathroom. "i'm done." i called out.
"good! pizza arrived."
i went to the kitchen, where layla had thrown pizza onto two plates and poured soda into two glasses. "i know it doesn't seem like it, but i really am grateful."
she smiled. "i know. i also know none of gbc would be coming over to help you. they'd consider it disrespectful to gus, if he doesn't come over then they shouldn't."
"you promise you won't tell anyone?"
she nodded, taking a bite of pizza. "i promise. if i was in your situation, i wouldn't want anyone knowing either."
"thank you."
"of course. now eat."
i took a bite of pizza. i didn't wanna eat but i did. "thank you."
"i was just wondering, if you don't wanna talk about it, that's okay, but did you get diagnosed with anything?"
"ptsd."
"makes sense."
i nodded and took another bite of pizza. "i dunno if i'll ever be able to talk to him again."
"yeah. after the stuff you both said... i'd get it."
"like... i regret saying the stuff, but... i don't. i want him in my life but i... i kinda don't. if he's not in my life, i can't pull something like that again."
"that makes sense. but, i think you should talk to him. he cares about you. figure out what you need to do."
"okay."
she looked at the time. "i really hate to do this, but i have to go."
"it's okay, i understand."
"eat your food." she said, grabbing her keys and phone. "love you!"
"love you too, layla." i smiled.
she left and i ate another slice of pizza. i told her i would, so i did. after i finished it, i put the rest into the fridge. then i went onto the couch and curled up, falling asleep.