Exes With Feelings (h.s)

e l e v e n

L i l y R o s e

The bathroom floor was cold against my bare legs as they came into contact with one another. My shaking hands positioned themselves over my tear-stained face while I tried my very best to contain my breathing. I don't know how long I'd been in there or how soon I would be leaving, but all I new was that I was panicking. The walls, it felt, were closing in on me and I couldn't escape this hell. A flood of anxiety and emotions cane rushing in the second I set foot in the damned bathroom. I could feel my heart beating hard against my chest and nothing was getting any easier, if anything it was getting worse. I guess you could say I was overwhelmed and confused at what Harry and I had just done, and that's the most probable cause of the panic attack I was suffering with, but the reasoning behind it wasn't my focus at that moment in time - all I had to focus on was breathing, cause I could feel myself becoming weaker and weaker. Things became blurry and sound was almost non-existent, but I could hear Harry's concerned voice talking through the door of the bathroom.

"Hey Lil," he knocked twice softly, "Is everything okay? You've been in there quite a while." I didn't respond, I couldn't. I wanted to, but I couldn't muster up the energy to open my mouth and talk or even make a sound. "If you don't answer within the next 15 seconds, I'm sorry but I'm going to have to come in uninvited."

And so, 15 seconds passed and I still couldn't reply, and as promised, Harry barged through the door, worry evident in his eyes when they saw the state I was in, curled up on the floor.

No words were said; he only wrapped his arms securely around me, helping me to my feet before guiding me up to my bedroom. His hands were gentle as he placed me beneath the soft covers of the bed, not once daring to do anything to make me uncomfortable. I felt his fingers brush away the loose hairs from my face and tuck them behind my ears before he took my hands in his own above the covers and saying softly, "It's okay. Just take it slow, in and out... in and out... in and out. You're going to be okay, Lily Rose. I promise you."

Soon, I felt a sense of calm wash over me as my breathing returned to normal. I weakly smiled at Harry and squeezed his hands lightly to show my appreciation for him.

"You good? Here, let me go get you some water."

He scurried off before I could reply, quickly returning with a tall glass of ice coke water, instructing me to take small sips.

His hand found its way back to mine as he spoke the words, "Talk to me, Lil. Tell me what's worrying you."

"Us. I don't know what this means for us."

He nodded, "I know. We will talk about this, and we will work something out. But for now, you need to get some sleep so that you can feel better. All you need to know is, you're staying in my life. Always. Whether that's us being in a relationship, or us just being friends. I need you in any way I can."

I smiled, a genuine smile before requesting, "Sleep here?"

"I would really love to do that, more than anything in this world. But you're confused right now, and I don't want to make you anymore confused." he paused, looked at me concerned for a moment, and grinned reassuringly. He then leaned over very slightly to place a single kiss on my forehead, his lips lingering, before saying quietly "Goodnight beautiful, sleep tight."

That's the last thing I remember before my eyes shut and I drifted off into a deep, deep sleep.

I was awoken the next morning with a masculine vanilla scent flooding through my room, and it was the most heavenly smell. Instantly, I knew what it was and it made my heart dance in my chest - Harry's hoodie.

*
"Baby, are you doing alright?" his voice cracked on the line due to bad service.

He had been away on tour for a month now, and every day seemed to be getting harder and harder. Day by day, it became more of a struggle to cope without him beside me, but we both powered through my texting 24/7 and calling as much as we possibly could.

Panic attacks had been happening more frequently but they had calmed just before Harry left for tour.

However, today was just one of those days. You know the days where you don't want to leave the safety of your own bed? The days where you don't have the energy to see and socialise with anyone? The days where you just want to close your eyes and wait for tomorrow to come?

Today was that day. I was sat cross-legged in the middle of mine and Harry's bed, doing everything in my power to breathe normally. But the more I tried, the worse it got.

My hands trembled as they pressed urgently on Harry's caller ID. He answered within seconds and immediately knew what was happening. With every word he said, I felt the panic melt away into nothing. He knew just how to calm me down.

"Getting there - thank you, H." I replied to his question with slight hesitation.

"Are you holding it?" he asked. My eyes peered down at the black hoodie in my arms and I smiled at the comforting item of clothing. When Harry wasn't here and when I couldn't have him, his hoodie was the next best thing there was to help calm me down.

"Yes baby."
*

I can't believe he remembered such a small detail.

Why does he make not loving him so unbelievably impossible?