The Understudy of an Alchemist

61. Emmaline's Warning

"You have the last one."

Varian held out the final slice of apple to me as he said this. I gently push his hand away. "Not on your life, it's yours." "Don't be humble Vi, take it!" I shake my head feverishly. "Varian, it's yours."

He sighed dramatically, but took a bite from it reluctantly. We sat in silence once more for several minutes, the only sound being the chirping of the birds and Varian's chewing. As he swallowed the final mouthful, he turned to me now, as he questioned, "What's on your mind?" I blanched in surprise at this question, before frowning, confused. "Wha.......what do you mean by that?"

My stuttered response prompted him to laugh now, as I tried to look as cheerful and content as possible to try and avoid suspicion. "You've been looking distracted all afternoon, and you keep biting your lip, you always do that when you're upset. Something's bothering you."

I shook my head now. "I'm not.......I......I'm fine." Varian rolled his eyes, but it was in a more teasing way than mocking. "Vi, you're good at many things, but one thing you aren't good at is lying." Sighing now, I hesitated once more, twisting a piece of hair in my hands. "The thing is, I......I just can't stop thinking about what happened with Cassandra. When I tapped into my rage it improved my control over the rocks, and how it made me much more powerful I was than her." Varian took my hand and squeezed it tightly. "But it's not like that anymore. You never, ever have to do that ever again."

Shaking my head, I pulled my hand free and rested it against my throbbing forehead. "No.....that's not not what I mean. I........I liked using my anger to win against her. I can't stop thinking about how much I enjoyed beating her."

If Varian had looked concerned earlier, he looked horrified now. "What? But......how?! How could you enjoy it?" My shoulders sagged now. "I..... I don't know. Maybe it was just the rock's consciousness that enjoyed it, but.....it felt nice to get angry at someone other than myself for once. I'd been keeping all that fury, all that rage in for so long, that I forgot that I even had it. It felt good to take it out on someone for once."

Varian's expression softened now. "It's not bad to enjoy letting your frustrations out Violet. You shouldn't feel guilty about that." I waved my hands, exasperated. He didn't understand. "But I hurt Cassandra because of it! I let go for one moment, and it was like I was a different person. I enjoyed hurting her, but she's my friend!! Or at least, she used to be. Isn't hurting someone for fun just as bad as what Zhan Tiri is doing??" Varian remained silent, as I continued, burying m head in my hands. "I never want to feel how I did with those rocks. Never again."

"But remember what Ivy said. You need to use your anger to first gain control over the rocks, but rage can only get you so far. Improving your skill doesn't have to require you consistently getting angry. Anyhow, I know that you're not like that. You're the most passive person I've ever met in my life." His words sounded reassuring, so sure. As he always was.

But I didn't think that I was sure of anything anymore.

I sigh for what felt like the seven millionth time, as I slump against the trunk of the tree. "I...... I don't know what to think about what happened." I stare back down at my hands, before back at Varian again, sighing as I do so. "It's just that I know so little about these rocks. Not even Xavier or Ivy have enough information about them for me. What if I.......what if I lose control again, Varian? What if they take control over me for good, like in the books? And my hair turns blue like Cassandra's, and then my eyes become these little black holes-"