The Only Reason

Chapter 5

Hi guys! Just a simple heads-up! From this chapter onwards, I've decided to write with a 5-10k word count (depends sa mood ko, hihi) 'cause I'd love the idea of publishling long updates for you guys!! Hihi. It's sort of like a 'thank you' too, for supporting TOR. Enjoy reading, sweethearts!! ❤

PS: This chapter will be consisting many Filipino words and phrases!

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Silence.

I was starting to regret the idea of coming here. Kase kahit anong pilit kong maging normal around him, it was still sort of awkward on my part.

Nilibang ko na lang ang sarili ko. I looked around, up the sky, and on my phone. After a few minutes, he finally spoke.

"Maganda bang mag-aral sa labas?" He asked. I looked at him and smiled. Para hindi naman halatang 'di ako kumportable o naiilang.

"Oo naman.." I trailed off. "I consider it as one of the most memorable things in my life," I replied. Napatango-tango siya.

"Buti naman nakapag-adapt ka lang agad sa mga gawain dun?" He asked. I nodded.

"Yeah.. Ate was with me, eh," Sagot ko. Hindi na siya nagtanong o nagsalita ulit, kaya napatingin ako sakanya.

He looked like he wanted to ask me or say something to me, he's just hesitant.

"Go lang," I said. Napatingin siya sa'kin, and scratched the back of his head.

"Sorry, medyo naiilang lang ako. Medyo matagal-tagal na rin kase noong huling usap natin, pati yung gan'to," He said, pointing at the both of us.

"Hindi ko alam kung ano ba ang mga pwede o dapat kong sabihin o tanungin.." He trailed off. He looked at me and apologetically smiled. "Sorry," He added.

And that's when I felt the guilt that's been bothering me for the past two years.

As much as I've been feeling kind of awkward around him since I came back, I didn't like how we weren't that comfortable with each other anymore, just because I kept on pushing him away when all he did was keep up with his role of being my best friend.

Seeing how uncomfortable we are, I can't help but admit na kasalanan ko naman. I kept on pushing him away because of the hidden feelings I had for him, not even considering his. Kahit pagbalik-baliktarin pa yata ang mundo, ako pa rin ang mali. Ang immature ko lang talaga sa part na iniwasan ko siya, habang siya naman ay walang kaalam-alam.

Was I too selfish to make him feel this way?

"I'm sorry," Was all I could say. I couldn't put my feelings in words. I don't have the courage to tell him the reason why I tried avoiding him.. to tell him that I used to like him.

"Ba't ka naman nagso-sorry?" He asked. I looked at him, trying to read his eyes, and it seemed like he really had no idea.

Why is he so kind?

Hindi ba dapat galit siya? Or at least holding grudges towards me until now?

I sighed. I can't continue taking advantage of his innocence, and keep drowning myself in my feelings. They were already fading, so I should let them do so completely.

"I admit that.. it's my fault. Kasalanan ko kung bakit naiilang ka," I paused and faintly smiled at him. "I'm sorry. I know you tried reaching out to me.. but all I did was push you away," I admitted.

Dahil lang sa rason na nagustuhan kita.

Dahil lang sa tanong na bakit hindi mo kayang ibalik yung nararamdaman ko.
  
Dahil lang sa katotohanan na kailanman ay hinding-hindi mo ako magugustuhan.
  
Was I too immature to just think of my feelings then?