The Only Reason

Chapter 15

"Lex," He called. "Pwede ba tayong mag-usap?"

Tinitigan ko lang siya, still not being able to move from where I was standing. His eyes were red, and so were his cheeks. Uminom ba siya?

"Saglit lang talaga," he assured, in hopes of convincing me.

I don't know where I gained the courage to do what I just did—but I nodded, told Manang to tell Daddy and Mommy na I'll be back soon, and walked out the door.

As much as I wanted to just avoid Dane, I know I shouldn't. I can't expect a problem to be solved on its own.

I can't run from it forever.

Tahimik lang akong naglakad habang nakasunod siya saakin. Hindi ko alam kung saan patungo, but later on, I realized where my feet brought us—sa tambayan namin.

I then quietly sat on the swing as he did so too, on the one next to me. Now that he was just inches away from me, ngayon ko lang din na-realize na amoy alak siya. I can't really tell whether he's drunk or sober, kasi parang aware naman siya sa mga pinaggagawa niya.

"I'm sorry." He uttered. I just kept mum but nodded to let him know that I was listening. "I'm not apologizing because I regret asking you the question, but because tinanong ko nang walang paliguy-ligoy." He explained.

I suddenly felt the urge to speak back, but I shouldn't. I have to at least listen to his side.

"Dati pa lang, nagustuhan na kita. Pero hindi ko sineryoso yung nararamdaman ko, kasi bata pa naman ta'yo noon." He said. My eyes weren't focused on him but I can feel his focused on me. "Habang tumatagal, I found myself falling for you. Pero sabi ko sa sarili ko, maghihintay ako hanggang sa pwede na. It was a challenge for me, kasi kahit gustong-gusto na kita noon, hindi ko pwedeng ipakita o sabihin sa'yo."

"And then when you left.. dun ako nawalan ng pag-asa." He paused, making me look at him. "Kasi may nakilala ka.. kasi may nauna na. Kaya ayun, noong nakilala ko na si Kirsten, I thought I could move on.. with her." He said, whispering the last two words.

I remained silent. I didn't know how to react. I didn't know what to say. I didn't know what to do.

But I was certain of something.

"And you know that was wrong, right?" I blurted out, shifting my gaze down to my feet. I heard him sigh. "Oo, alam ko." He muttered loud enough for me to hear it.

"Bakit.." I trailed off, looking at him. "Bakit mo nagawa yun?" I asked, making him intently stare at me, guilt and pain etched on his face.

"Kasi akala ko yun yung dapat."

I couldn't help but shake my head in disappointment as I averted my eyes from his stare.

"Why didn't you think of the fact na may masasaktan ka?" I asked him as calmly as I could. I didn't agree to talk with him to make him think that I had different intentions but to hear the answers to my questions.

"Mas nangibabaw yung pag-iisip ko sa sarili ko kaysa sa iba." He honestly answered. "And I thought I was moving on.. akala ko wala na, akala ko tapos na. Pero nung bumalik ka, akala ko lang pala lahat." He tried to explain himself.

Alam kong tao rin siya, and it's normal for a human being to commit mistakes or make wrong decisions. But I still can't help it—nakakadisappoint.

"Have you talked to her about this already?" I asked him after a few minutes of silence, still not meeting his eyes. He didn't answer, kaya napatingin ako sakanya. He had an expression that showed the opposite of what I wanted to hear.

Without thinking twice, tumayo ako, kaya agad siyang napatingala saakin.

"I want you to fix things between you and Kirsten first, bago mo ayusin yung saatin. Don't expect we'd be okay kung alam nating may nahihirapan pa," I said. He was about to say something to stop me from leaving, pero inunahan ko na siya.