Mind {Prose Vol. 2}✔

149th Poem: Grow Up, Black Girl (Pt. 6)

Black girl, grow up. Grow up, grow up.

you were at the high school all full four years

but the first they always shouted, you couldn't sleep, you'd cry and cry and cry until you fell asleep without a peep

doing your homework was difficult, and you'd make it home around 9- swimming was always 6-8:30 so you were used to the time

you didn't want to eat because your appetite would be lost, you'd want to hide from their arguments,

trap yourself behind some kind of walls 

you remember when you were 12 and thought of how you wanted to kill yourself

that year was a tough one and your grades were not the best

your mood changed, you were tired, you recoiled inside yourself

you took all the punches, got thrown, kicked, strangled

you felt your head connect with the wall, so hard it caused two cracks 

they kept yelling, always yelling, why wouldn't they ever stop?

at some point you got numb, getting in the car was never fun, seeing the house made you want to run

as a junior, you got concussed, the world spun faster than it ever did

you couldn't keep up, you'd crash, forget things and get in trouble, ask for help on the double

you struggled, you really did, you could hardly stay awake

your senses were heightened and they hurt, your head felt like the earth, 

were you like atlas up on that mountain?

Grow up Black girl, grow up, grow up

you've got to ask for help, you've got to show up, show up

you had quit swimming because the team just wasn't the same, your coach was too angry and rude,

you knew he'd never change, so after months and months of thinking you quit, nothing was the same

you ran track sophomore year too but got concussed and that was the end of that. 

a whole year off of sports, a head stuck on a swivel,

you had hiccups at some point and took pills for acid reflux and your appetite continued to dwindle

you didn't want to eat half of the time bcuz you weren't even hungry,

plus, with what time, your "parents" hardly ever cooked nothing,

your head was pounding, you felt like gravity was against you,

you tried your best to keep up and you got the grades, they defined you

you were proud, but still sad, your home life put a damper on you

every time you left school you knew all the pretending was behind you

you felt trash, you felt useless, everything was your fault,

they still argued, you got in trouble, but you could never talk

no one was listening. did they even care? how could you talk anyway when your problem was with the people there?

Grow up Black girl, grow up, grow up..

are you sure you even want to? 

why even show up? do they want you there? does anyone really care?

father works later and later, leaving you with that witch

he'll drop you off and disappear

you constantly lived in fear

you kept skipping out on meals because she'd make you lose your appetite

you'd be exhausted from long days and have to wash the dishes of the lady you didn't even like

Grow up Black girl, grow up, grow up

cook for yourself, clean, listen to everybody else

live for them, live for them, live for them

were you even living? are you now? will you ever? why can't you just make the killing?

why did he hurt you so? why was he so angry? why didn't he care that he was losing his baby?

we used to be so tight, but he ruined that, only had one strike

now you resent, you want to get away, you're scared, you're tired, don't even care if you get fired from life.

Black girl, Black girl, please don't grow up. Just quit while you're ahead, stop showing up.

a/n

Part six of a long, unedited poem series; probably around seven parts written 10:58pm-12:09am June/9-10/2020.