Brandon and Billie: Oneshots

To Brandon's New Female Roommate

Companion piece to my seperate one-shot book; To Billie's New Male Roommate. So if you want read that one first:)

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To Brandon's New Female Roommate.

What's up.

I'm sure by now you've seen Brandon Adams, and I'm positive I know what you must be thinking. Holy shit, is this even a real guy? He's a model, he makes music and he's single? This must be the roommate of your dreams, right? What a perfect opportunity.

Wrong.

Here's my advice to you: if you value your ears and don't want to be nagged for the rest of your life, find a new roommate. Pronto.

I know I sound like I'm exaggerating, and you'll probably disregard it, because, fuck, this guy is hot. But I'm telling you to take this advice, because it'll save you months of nitpicking and badgering.

So to show you exactly what you won't be missing, I made you a list of the lifestyle, excuse me...torture, I've had to endure these past seven months living with him. The things I've had to deal with. The annoyances I've had to live with. Maybe if you read them all, you can make the right decision and find a new candidate before you get tied to him by a contract.

So here we go...

Brandon Adams As A Roommate:

1. Sets up annoying cleaning and chore schedules with stickers as rewards as if you're some kid.

2. Picks you up and tosses you on his shoulder if you forget to do designated chores. (Won't put you down till you promise you will do them.)

3. Uses your fancy body wash and justifies that it's better for himself.

4. Leaves little shaven chin hair bits all over the sink (which are incredibly hard and annoying to clean off)

5. Refuses to at least try to go vegan with you and cooks up meat right in front of you.

6. Eats so much food, and doesn't put an ounce of weight on.

7. Intimidates any guy you bring home to the point they can't finish (Side not: Do not ask him to be a fake date.)

8. Sleep walks and randomly ends up in your bed.

9. Doesn't understand your need to buy heaps of clothes and then takes them from you to wear himself.

10. Trashes all dates you have and won't shut up saying that you can do much better.

11. Back, foot, and shoulder massages: insanely amazing and will turn you into goo. Avoid, avoid, avoid.

12. Warm hugs and cuddles: insanely amazing and will turn you into goo. Avoid, avoid, avoid.

13. Running his fingers through your hair: insanely amazing and will turn you into goo. Avoid, avoid, avoid.

14. (If you don't avoid, once you've experienced any of the above three points, anyone else's will be inadequate, This is a problem.)

15. Sleeps in his boxers. Just boxers. (You've seen him, you know why it's problematic.)

16. Has more products and things in the bathroom cabinet that you do. (Don't expect much room for you stuff.)

17. Stingy about his car, his booze, his clothes. Everything!

18. Expects you to be nice to his bitchy dates who will automatically hate you for living with him.

19. Has the nerve to get irritated when you scare off those bimbo gold diggers. (Best method? Wear one of his shirts and a thong. Guaranteed success.)