Tell me about Jack Keagan

Chapter 5

After the unconscious-on-the-lab-floor fiasco, Tony had given Jack a watch that could also keep tabs on her breathing and heart rate, showing her that it would let her know if it sensed an impending panic attack. He had seen it through the security cameras he had up in the room while he sat next to her in the recovery wing, mulling the scene over while she was asleep. He knew, watching the video, that she had indeed been doing what they had gone over: find a wall and sit against it, breathe in for 5, hold for 4, out for 6, but hadn't got to the grounding exercises Banner had added before her programming kicked in. He knew it was beyond his capabilities and expertise to try and work on that, so he had to do the next best thing.

It was something he had debated with himself and then Bruce when he found himself disagreeing with his own inner monologue. Jack had become the centre of his universe for the last few weeks, distracting himself with making things for her, offering his help. He knew what it had been like to be a young adult without parents, and Obadiah had proven to be a pretty shitty replacement. They say kill your darlings but taking it in the literal sense was a bit much. Jack deserved better than what he had, and what she was experiencing, and had decided to be as much of a parent-figure as he could. Rhodey had joked that he was trying to be her lighthouse, but he preferred the term personal messiah.

Jack looked at the watch reflecting the image of the world outside her window, distracting herself from the book she was reading. She had been seconded to the duty of 'finally taking a day off' by Tony and Bruce, and had coped so far into the day, the digital watch face telling her she had made it until 3:15 pm. She had spent the morning in her room, cleaning what didn't need to be cleaned and pacing, having a long shower, a slow descent into madness by staring at her reflection in the window while zoned out to the dulcet tones of Guns n Roses on her iPod, and an eventual escape to the common areas to eat lunch alone while everyone else was busy. Yet she found herself back in her room, trying to concentrate on processing page 388 of The Book Thief while her mind was elsewhere.

Jack had seen the video from the security cameras in the lab, after irritating Tony into letting her. Sam had run out the door and called for the closest person to come and help him, that person being Bruce who was heading down at the time. They made a joint effort to get her to the recovery wing, which was on the floor above, passing Bucky and Steve as they went. This made Jack feel a few named emotions; anger, at herself for letting her programming take over so instantly; guilt, that anyone had to deal with her; embarrassment, at her own weakness to deal with the situation level-headedly; and ashamed, because she'd been so focussed on her own need to show Bucky what he meant to her that she was blind to how he would feel. As much as she didn't believe she should be wallowing in her own self-pity, she felt she deserved a minute to be sad. Ever since she got out of HYDRA, she had forced herself to keep optimistic and moving, not liking to allow herself time to process and just 'be'.

Giving up on her book and putting the piece of ripped paper in to bookmark where she was, she decided she would serve her time better if she just tried to sleep through it. Maybe it would at least give her ruminating mind a break. She moved from her velvet armchair to her bed, tucking her legs up closer to the rest of her body, her feet crossed in their thick winter socks, and folding her arms across her chest. Another old habit she couldn't break. She laid there, fully dressed in her SHIELD clothing she received months ago, staring out the window to watch the skyline until she eventually fell asleep. Finally, a reprieve.

She woke up to a knock at the door, Bruce awkwardly opening it and poking his head around. Jack sat up and squinted, observing that she had accidentally slept until very late afternoon.

"Just wanted to make sure you were okay and see if you were coming to dinner."

Jack shook her head, wanting to bury her face back in her pillow and hide away in her shame.