Tell me about Jack Keagan

Chapter 6

Bucky's night terrors had become less frequent with Jack around, but still not completely eradicated. Jack knew this would always be the case. What she had seen during her time in Siberia she knew was only the tip of the iceberg, he had been active and serving involuntarily since the 1940s, and her time was 50 years later. She would never really understand the trauma he had, and still was, experiencing, and it sometimes made her feel insufficient to him and his needs. She wished she could support him better, have more insight into his world, but she accepted that most things were beyond control for them both. The night before had been no different from normal, but Jack felt tense energy radiating from Bucky, and Steve's subtle shit-eating grin made her think it might have been better that she didn't know. Curiosity got the better of her at 2 AM when Jack made her way to Bucky's room to ask him why he was pacing his room and punching the wall so loudly she heard it going to the toilet in her en suite.

She didn't feel the need to knock, she knew he was up and dressed, his boots were obviously on from the sound in the hallway. At the door she opened it slowly to walk in, wrapped in an old Stark Industries jumper she had found in the lab and taken with Tony's permission. She was always looking to build up her wardrobe. Bucky looked at her as she walked in, the logo on her upper left chest adding fuel to his fire and kept pacing. He felt that movement kept him from exploding. Jack sat down on his bed and crossed her legs, knowing the jumper was just for modesty as the winter had melted into the tail-end of a warmer spring. She could see his face in the dim light, noticing his jaw was tighter than usual, his frown deep.

"Penny for your thoughts, Mr Barnes?" She asked, her eyes following him. He was still dressed from the day, him and Steve doing secret super-soldier business that she didn't know about, as usual. She was used to seeing him in all black and often mentally begged for a pop of colour every now and then. He slowed down a bit when she spoke, stopping and facing away from her towards the window.

"I... I don't know where to begin." He muttered, moving again when she had no answer to give him. Jack grew a bit impatient with him pacing, tapping each wall with his metal hand every time he reached it. She was tired and wanted nothing more than to just lay down there and fall asleep next to him, for him to touch her in the way he did, like she was important and special. Finally, she snapped.

"Jesus Christ just spit it out!"

"I can't keep up with you, Jack!" He exploded, turning and facing her, seemingly larger than ever compared to her. He scared her while he towered over her, Jack's heart rate flying up and her throat drying out. He had never raised his voice at her before, or anyone who didn't deserve it, and he felt the guilt bubble up from his actions. He seemed to choke on his next words, simmering down.

"You're moving so much faster than me. You've been here for a few months and you're getting your shit together. You're learning to drive, spending all your time with Steve or Tony. I feel like I'm never going to be able to catch up with you and that I'll never be good enough."

Jack wanted to cry, to wrap him up and keep him safe from the rest of the world, but they both knew he was telling the truth. There was always going to be things holding him back. Instead, Jack stood up placed her hands on his cheeks, making him look her in the eye.

"You will always be enough. Don't you ever think I don't love you."

At this, Bucky seemed to calm slightly. His jaw slackened slightly at her touch. No one had said they'd loved him for decades; no one had showed it like she did. She continued.

"Let's get you out of your gear and you can tell me as much as you want. I'm listening."

In the light of the meek black lamp on the bedside table, Jack laid on his bed with her jumper discarded to the floor, trying not to watch as Bucky changed out of his clothes and into a white tee and blue check flannel pants. She appreciated everything about his body, including the currents of scar tissue around his left shoulder, creating little ripples from the metal towards his chest. Like he had tried to claw it off. Trying to keep herself from looking, she decided to take in the tedium of the bedroom. He hadn't decorated it, bar the lamp, as if he would leave at any moment and leave no trace of himself. She felt the bed dip and saw him sit down and then slide up between her legs, resting his back against her, his head lolling to the side on her stomach. She ran her fingers through his hair, her nails providing a heavenly scalp rake. She paused for a moment to turn the light off beside them and in the dark Bucky began to let some heavy burdens out.