Angel on Lend

16

Trigger warning: self-harm

I was sitting in the passenger seat of our car. My father's driving me to the clinic today. May therapy session kasi ulit ngayon. Nakakagulat nga na hinatid ako ng tatay ko.

I looked outside the car. It's still raining hard because there's a storm daw.

I'm still figuring out what Langley did to us. Sobrang nakakagulat. From what I read from Maddie's notes, feel ko ay nasaktan talaga si Maddie. I just can't believe that I almost lower my walls for him. He somehow deceived me. Now, I'm hating myself more. Attachments are bullshit. I should've known.

He did try to reach us. Nabasa ko rin sa notes ni Maddie na minsan nag-aabang siya sa labas ng bahay namin kahit umuulan na o kaya sa tapat ng school. But he never texted or called us which is weird.

When we arrived at the clinic, nagpaalam agad ang tatay ko dahil late na raw siya. I just thanked him and went inside instantly. Wala masyadong patient kasi naulan kaya mabilis din akong nakausap ni doc.

She was lecturing me about our condition which is better. Ayaw kong pilitin niya na naman ako sa trauma namin.

She said that personalities or alters have different roles in the system or body. She clarified that these roles should be well performed for the body to reach its equilibrium state. For the reason that, this condition just splited the behaviors into different alters but when put together sums up the whole behavior of the person.

"Maddie is the host for she takes the name of the system and she also serves as the protector of the body. Though parang lahat naman kayo protector. And you, Quenby, sa na-access ko, you're the soother of the system. Responsible ka for having fun of the body to forget the past traumas that it experienced. Explains din why you don't quite remember the trauma."

Medyo natuwa ako na ako ang fun-bearer sa alters. It really sounds right for me. "What about Blair?" I asked her.

She furrowed her brows and played with her pen. "Hindi ako masyadong sigurado kay Blair. She's not distant but she's not that open,too. Parang tinatago niya ang role niya at sa tingin ko alam niya kung ano 'yun."

She stood up and sat beside me. She even held my hands. "Now it's time to dig deeper to your trauma. Researches say that to conquer your fears, you should face and deal with it. Kaya By I'm sorry but.." I didn't hear her finished her sentence.

Where am I? I'm just seeing white background and a door at the end of the hallway. I can also hear two voices coming from that door. When I turned the knob and opened it, light flashes at my eyes.

Flashes of cameras are almost blinding me. I looked through the crowd and saw her. She's clapping together with the audience. She didn't look pleased nor disappointed. Her face is blank not matching her dress that screams her presence.

When we went down the stage, our coach cheered us once again but changed her expression as she eyed me. "What are you wearing? An angel costume in a swan-themed ballet?!" She's lecturing me but I didn't quite catch her words.

I went out and saw her standing by the railings. Nagulat ako nang naglakad ako papunta sa kaniya and even pushed her a little. Walang epekto sa kaniya dahil I'm just a seven year old back then. "I told you this dress wouldn't match the theme! Pinahiya mo 'ko on purpose!"

I kept on throwing tantrums at her but she didn't mind me. Kumuha lang siya ng sigarilyo at sinindihan pa 'to. "Don't you want to be the star?"

That stopped me from whining at her. Bumaba pa siya ng onti para magka-level kami. She caressed my hair. "Continue my dream, my little angel," she said sweetly at my ear.