My Journal And Problems

Tensions

My tensions are increasing day by day.....I can't focus on anything. I feel so weak and so helpless. I am having mood swings, I often burst into tears without a cause and I have started to realise that .....I am useless, I am afraid I can't achieve anything. My fate is also working against me. I don't know what to do. I am just letting everyone down. I am not making any improvement. Dunno why? I seem to recover and then become sad again. I am really getting depressed again. Is it really depression or is it that healing wound which gets itchy at times. But I hate myself....I really hate myself.

I hate everything about myself. Neither I am not good enough nor I am making any improvements. I just keep on comparing myself only to find out I don't stand anywhere. People scare me because they have the things and qualities I don't have.
I hate myself for being soft hearted and sentimental. I try to be helpful and kind to everyone.....I want to make friends but what's the use of all this when no one cares about it. I feel ignored and left out.

I wish I was a tough person who is quite sincere, bold, cool, doesn't get attached so easily and can adapt to the changes. Not a cry baby like me. I just wish I was a ruthless person, not an overthinker who gets discouraged with every petty thing. I hate myself because I keep on working for other people's approval. Those people who don't give a damn about about me...Those people who just temporarily come and then go away. Who just forget me so easily.

I don't know why I can't detach myself from other people. Why do I care for everyone. I don't want to be like this....cause these all feelings.....love,care affection, they are all rubbish in this 21st century. I wish I was also like other people. I wish I was also emotion less . People just leave me and I always keep on thinking and thinking about them and their memories. Despite on knowing that they have forgotten me.
 
It is totally my fault. I have many hopes and I expect a lot. When these expectations are not fulfilled...I become sad.

I am wasting my time with this bullshit . I know I keep on saying same things again and again but I can't focus on anything except this.

People scare me....I get nervous around people because they are far better than me. I want to be friends, but I don't know how. I am a really boring person. Even If I succeed in socialising....My conversation are weird and people start hating me. I am very clingy and awkward....because, I feel very lonely. Very very very lonely.

I keep on imagining myself with the things and in the moments I wish were mine. I keep on mouthing everything, walking and running around randomly...smiling and talking to myself only to seem like a mad person.

I don't even have the common sense to the simplest things. I am clumsy and forgetful because I live in my imagination. My body language is weird, my talks are weird, my looks are weird. Everything is weird.

I am wasting my time. I wish only if I could stop this waste thinking .....become firmly determined so that I could work hard to achieve my goals.

I am trying but I can't cover up anything. Everything is going against me. When I think everything will heal, a new problems pops up.

But I don't think I can do anything. I am a failure in practical life....I can't even become self dependant..I don't even think I would be able to live on my own at any hostels. I am just scared I will fail. I want to run away...I want to die rn. At times I just wish that I get hit by a truck and die on the spot with severe injuries. I am burden for everyone. Everyone will hate me and use me except my mum. I know , I trouble my mum a lot.

I can't explain my problems to anyone....I can't share them fully. I don't think anyone can help it. I just lost the fight of my life before even entering it. Nothing can be fixed now.

I don't know why, but I seek attention from people who ignore me but still I am selfish in family love. I am becoming weaker, rude and spoilt when it's comes to my family . I am letting everyone down....I don't cooperate with anyone. I don't feel that much attachment at times.

Since a few days.. I am feeling sickish and irritable. I am getting discouraged with the pettiest things , I cry almost everyday. I feel like I am ill. I feel empty inside. I am looking my appetite. I feel fatigue . I can't even handle any scoldings any more. I just feel like shouting and crying bitterly.

I just don't like it when someone points out my mistake.....I stay so confused and underconfident. And I can't tolerate anymore losses now.

I hate this suicidal tendency but All circumstances are totally against me.  And If I had to face more losses and failures and if still no solutions came out, Then I will fix a date to SUICIDE!!!! I CANT BEAR ANYTHING NOW.