My Journal And Problems

I knew that

This is a very long rant. Not meant to point someone out personally. I am shouting out my pain. I want honest views. Kindly don't laugh at me and remember that I am not a sympathy seeker. I don't want your pity.

I can't deny, I knew that people will forget me. Yes, that's what they do and why shouldn't they, ofc I am an emotional fool. I swear I am still trying to turn heartless,but I just don't know where to start. I know, I exactly know,why people ignore me.... Because I show them that I care about them, I want to befriend them, because I just want to make them feel okay and I need friends. I need some friends,their love and attention.

Mind : But wait, Abhilasha....look at yourself, do you deserve it. You're ugly, lame and boring.  Who on the earth would befriend you.

Heart : But I have friends, they claim to care about me, they told them I am their close friend. They tell me they won't forget me.

Mind : Oh Please,don't be a fool . They just say that,they don't mean that. They are with you only till their dark times, once they will find happiness, once they will have other friends ,they won't waste a second in forgetting you. You will be kicked out of their life.

Yes that's true. I should have known that before. I have been fearing this day for so long, and now I can see it coming true. I have kept my many feelings bottled up for so long, but now, I won't, I'mma say all the words inside my head.

I was told that I am valued,but I just don't feel that anymore. I can see every one drifting away from me.

If someone is reading it, then tell me, isn't it strange that there is a person, who trusts you a lot,claims you as their special friend and yet they never seem interested if you want to talk to them. Do people behave like this?

As far as I know, friends approach each other once in a while, to check how are they doing, at least once in a while. Or maybe just for fun, just for a small talk.

But the case is not same with me. No one really does that. And I don't know what to feel about this. What to feel when someone only approaches you when they need you. What to feel when you notice that a person you expected to become your true friend but you realise they only come to you when they need your help. They don't care about you. You don't matter to them. They don't when ask you about your well doing. They aren't interested in what to say.  What to feel when someone said that they will never forget you but now it seems that you don't matter to them any more.

If I am not being petty, greedy, selfish , mellow dramatic and a sympathy seeker,then I think, if people take help from me then at least they should not behave like this, sticking with me through their darkest times but sidelining once they find their light. But they did. Everyone forgot me.
A person who is only coming to me for help just can't be my friend.

When people used to ignore me, I thought they are quiet and introverted, but, I know they are not. No one is introverted to a person they approve, but I know better. I am no more than a ADVISOR to them. Yes, an Advisor. Kind of a therapist, a mere venting outlet who is a temporary support to them. Once they will be settled, they won't need me anymore and I will be forgotten.

Everyone will stay happy, in the end it will be always be me. And why, what was my fault? that I saw them as my friend? I didn't judge them? I am loyal? or maybe an emotional fool? I silently expected trust,loyalty and love, but I never got that.

I know, the only wise thing to do now is to detach myself, but it's easier said than done. How will I detach myself after all this attachment I developed? It's going to be a painful process. But I know,this won't effect others. Why would it? I am just an Advisor, after all

I know,maybe they are introverted and quiet. They might not be the most famous people of their class either but I also know that they have friends to Have fun with. They show different colours everywhere. They have other friends to give their love and care, to have fun with and they reserve me to show their vulnerable and confused side just so that their cool reputation remains pristine. I am not a friend, I am an Advisor. Who recieves a little Thank you and some praise instead of payment.

If I start telling my problems to them, they will walk away in middle. They don't categorise me as their friend. They don't really approve me or prioritise me. They don't really care if I am alive or dead. They just said that I am their friend, in return for helping them, And I believed them and I attached myself to them, I started loving them for the freak I am.

But let me tell you, please don't give me any false hopes now. I am already very broken after realising this. Even if you lose your advisor, it won't bother you cause you still have friends to hang out with, but I don't have friends to have fun with,even in real life. How could I? I am a freak, dim witted, unlovable, untalented and a lame and a  boring person, a misfit.

When you praise me, I didn't think that you can be saying it merely.

Don't take me for granted, I am not a People Pleaser. I don't do it for everyone. But when I do, I just start doing things I don't even don't do for myself either. And it fucking hurts, when you take me for granted.

And if someone who knows me read that all, I am joining my hands before you. I beg you,to tell me what you feel for me. If I am also an Advisor to you, a People Pleaser to you, Kindly honestly tell me. I will go away from here, I can't bear to lose anyone, I can't tolerate more betrayals.

Don't worry,most people on Wattpad don't judge and are really very kind. They will easily befriend you, you all are chilled out and cool people, not socially awkward like me. You will get better Venting outlets and better friends than me. But just, don't betray me anymore, don't make me feel forgotten and if you think you don't want me around me.

Just tell me, trust me, my love for you won't change. I have became very insecure and scared now, I am not in a healthy mental state. Being replaced is my biggest fear, that's why I avoided people with too many friends, cause I knew they won't value me,but if the story is same everywhere, then........