Halos and Heartache

Chapter 10

I look up to see her body on the ground. I can feel my legs running but I can't seem to get to her fast enough, my heart beating out of my chest becomes the only sound in my head. It feels as though by the time I reach her, she will have decomposed in the elements completely; but I keep pushing for her.

I arrive by her side while she is still taking shallow breaths, quietly whimpering involuntarily. I fear that if I touch her, she might break into a million pieces right before my eyes. She's never looked so fragile, so scared and broken. Her dirt-stained face has trails of clean skin where her tears have fallen towards the cold ground beneath her. I know she can't move or else she would be giving her best attempt at fixing her chestnut hair, her soft hair that is now sprawled across the forest floor like some sort of violent tie-dye. There is a pool of blood forming beneath her.

"Waverly, stop it." My voice cracks. She looks at me.

"Waverly, I know you're just faking to scare me, to teach me a lesson. I won't take you for granted anymore. I swear. I'm sorry. Please stop it, you're scaring me."  I stroke her hair. 

I'm unsure of how my brain is coming up with these words, I can't think them up, or feel them rolling off my tongue. All I feel is nothing, numbness, longing for her.

Suddenly I realize her cold fingers are interlaced with mine. My thumb is slowly rubbing the back of her hand as if this is some terrible attempt to warm her.

"Tell everyone I love them, especially Wynonna. Tell her she did everything right." Waverly whispers in between whimpers. 

"Waverly, please. Please don't leave like this, I need you." The words can barely leave my mouth.

Saying her name doesn't feel the same. It used to pulse excitement throughout my body. Thinking of her made me float up off the ground and into paradise. Looking into her sage eyes used to make me melt into a giggling mess. But now, all of those make her feel as cold as she looks and I fear I will never be able to erase this visual of her lifeless body that is now seared into my mind. I fear I will never see her the same, I will never remember her sweet smell, but rather the stench of sap and rot. The memory of her soft skin will be replaced with the feeling of rust beneath my fingertips. I fear she will no longer be the person who arose an awakening in my soul but rather the person who broke it. The person who shattered it into a million tiny pieces destroying my heart and happiness with its shards. As I repeat her name, the sweetness of all she is starts to dissolve on my tongue, and the vile poison of her death starts to reach for my lips. Her memory is fading into resentment, anger, anxiety, everything she was and everything she helped me become was on the verge of extinction right before my very eyes and all I could say was.

"Waverly."

She smiles.

"I love you, Nicole Rayleigh Haught. Forever."

"I love you, Waverly Earp. Forever." I mumble through sobs. 

I hated that she made me feel like a child in a candy store even now, even as she is shredding my heartstrings, as she is signing her contract with death, she makes me feel alive and free.

She closes her eyes.

"No! This isn't how this was supposed to happen. You weren't supposed to leave me this way. You were supposed to live! We were supposed to have a future! You were supposed to be the hero! Heroes always win!" My voice is raw and as shattered as my will to continue breathing; to remain in this world without her, my screams for her are as broken as my hope. 

I realize my screams go ignored, her breathing has come to a stop. Her eyes have become encased in glass. I know she is gone, and she has taken my happiness along with her. I am numb, incapable of registering what has just happened in front of my own eyes.

Wynonna kneels beside me. Resting one hand on Waverly's face and one hand upon mine. Silent tears are running down her cheeks. We both lived for her, and now she is gone. We stay there as long as we can, we stay until Doc takes Wynonna into his arms and Dolls takes me into his, Dolls reaching one of his arms out to encase Jeremy within our embrace. They guide us gently away, as if they pull us too hard we will fall apart, right then and there.

Her funeral was beautiful. Full of flowers and sunlight. Vegan finger sandwiches and tea were served. The entire town of Purgatory was in attendance, not a single person able to hold a dry eye. Gus and Nedley stood silently next to one another.

Wynonna, Dolls, Doc, Jeremy, and I all talked about Waverly and the light she was. We all felt as though our spirit was dissolving with every word we said, like the remainder of our lives would be spent honoring her, and like nothing was ever worth this outcome. We never put blame on anyone, yet we all found a way to blame ourselves. 

She was buried on the Homestead, between the spots saved for Wynonna and I. Her headstone made out of bright white marble that sparkled in the sun and looked magical in the snow. It was chiseled into the shape of angel wings.

Her headstone read:

Waverly Earp

1995-2020

Holder of truth, bringer of light.

Spreader of love, and all that is bright.

Loved by all, and lover of any.

Gave her life for the lives of many.