Eigengrau

Chapter One

When the atmospheric water vapor is exposed to a temperature of exactly zero degrees Celsius, it freezes. This results in the formation of sparkling ice crystals that fall as light white flakes on the surface of this earth. This beautiful creation of nature is called snow. Soft and cold that makes you feel as if you are touching a cloud. On the night of the 20th of December, heavy snowfall occurred all over the region of Grove District. In the morning, the heat of the sun melted this snow and converted it into icy cold water. Hardly had the sun set, when all this icy cold water froze into a thin layer of transparent deadly black ice, that covered up most of the road surface near Cross-End Street number 22. As I drove my car on this beautiful deadly ice, the tire slipped and the car suddenly turned. Entering a dense forest filled with snow. That moment, when confusion and panic had taken over every inch of my body, I hit the brakes but instead my car accelerated. It was about to hit the tree when I grabbed the steering wheel and turned it to the left as much as possible. All of a sudden I was flying. Glass piercing my skin and head hitting the airbags that gagged my breathing. Unconscious and cold in an upside-down car with pain that hurt me on the left side of my neck like never before.

This crazy phenomenon ended up transforming my life into something crazy.

That accident caused a long piece of glass to pierce my carotid artery that restricted the blood flow to my brain. My brain got less blood and I went into a nice long slumber. Did you know that when the brain swells up as a result of a trauma, the fluid pushes up against the skull? When there is no blood flow to a major part of the brain stem, it makes you go into a nice long sleep called coma. Forty-one days later, I woke up. One second there was no pain but the very next second I woke up out of nowhere in that hospital bed, gasping for air. My body was seizing. The effects of the sedatives reduced further due to this. For the first time in my life, I had realized what pain really meant. I was in pain. Pain that I could feel in every inch of my body when I took a short breath.

"She is having another attack. Bring the doctors now!"

Another one... when did I have my first one!

"Defbi... beep... beep... beep.

Scattered screams and shattered dreams.

Darkness or light or was it black and white.

Maybe Eigengrau.

Laughs here and there and I am lost again.

Lost in eternal physical pain,

Or was it a beautiful slumber of mental peace that may have just kept me sane."

Thirty-nine hours later I woke up. This time it was more gradual and without pain. All my surroundings were a blur. I could hear faint whispers of people. In a few minutes, I gained control of my eyesight. I saw my mom in tears. I tried to talk but all I could say was,

"Maum waat hapunneed?"

I was surprised at this horrifying pronunciation. Did I get some speech defect? Thankfully, the doctor immediately assured me,

"Don't worry, it's just the aftereffects of anesthesia. You will gain control of your speech in some time."

The doctors informed me that my neck and my left arm were seriously damaged due to the accident. Hence, they had to perform two surgeries. The surgeries were risky but I survived. I wanted to talk more and understand what had exactly happened to me but my eyelids felt very heavy and within a few seconds, all I saw was eigengrau. The exhaustion had kicked in and my body craved rest, so I slept.

A few days passed and I was informed about how I managed to survive. Due to the accident, my carotid artery was damaged and I needed surgery immediately. This surgery was very risky. I could have developed limb paralysis or some serious neurological deficits such as loss of speech, memory, vision, sensation or even walking problems. I also suffered from a fracture in my upper left arm. It was called a distal humerus fracture. Such a fracture occurred when there was a break in the bone near the elbow. The bone fragments near my elbow needed to be repositioned. So via a surgery, they inserted a plate with screws to keep my bones in their normal alignment. My body was weak and the surgeries were complicated and risky. It was nothing short of a miracle that I didn't develop some serious complications.

Life at the hospital wasn't easy. I had to spend my days in pain and humiliation. I knew how helpless a twenty-year-old girl felt when she had to pee in a bag and bleed on the bedsheets during a coma. I felt embarrassed and utterly humiliated. It wasn't easy for me to accept my dependence on someone else but I learnt. I learnt that I was not alone and I learnt how to deal with it. It took time and lots of effort but I managed. The pain in my neck subsided after a few months but the horrifying thing was the pain of the fracture. Whenever I moved my arm even a bit, I was in agony. The painkiller helped but the pain still lingered. My arm needed multiple surgeries to gain normal function.

After one hundred and sixty-nine days, i.e. five months and eighteen days, I was finally getting discharged. Now, it was my time to go home.

I still needed physiotherapy and frequent routine check-ups but I could go home. I could sleep in my bed under the comforts of my bed-sheets and enjoy a normal day. For the last few months, I pondered over the reason for my existence. Why did I get into that accident? Why did I have to go through all that pain and why did I survive? The mortality rate of a carotid trauma injury was very high. It was nothing short of a miracle that I survived. Despite the risky surgeries, I wondered why I didn't have to face any limb paralysis or neurological deficits? What I did face, was severe traumatic pain. So why did I survive?

Little did I know then that all this had been my choice.

*****

Disclaimer: This novella is 12 chapters long and all characters are fictitious. No offense is intended to any religion or country. This story is not promoting any sort of practices. It is written for the sole purpose of entertainment.

Special Credits: Photo by John Towner on Unsplash

A message from the author: I am an aspiring author and your thoughts on these chapters are very valuable to me. Please give your feedback and suggestions in the comments section.

Synopsis: This story revolves around an ordinary girl named Hope Perez whose life turns upside down after a horrifying accident. All of a sudden, due to some unknown reason, she gets into a horrible car accident. It shows her journey towards recovery and forgiveness. A journey that makes her question the reason for her existence. At the same time, she is constantly in search of one answer, Ito. A word that echoes in her subconscious but is unknown to her. This story shows how a young girl navigates through hurdles and emotional dilemmas that life throws at her and eventually how she learns to love and forgive. It also shows her journey to how she makes a choice that once again changes her life forever.