Eigengrau

Chapter Five

Do you know what happens when you are in a coma? You are neither dead nor alive. Your soul drifts in the cosmos in a state of complete stillness. You are in the purest form of spiritual awareness where there is a complete absence of thoughts. This state continues until the guiding force touches your soul and grants you the first thought to think about. In simple terms, it is like a perfectly aligned row of dominos. When you are in a coma, you are still. When an external force hits the first domino, all the dominos fall down due to the chain reaction. So, when you are thoughtless, you need an external force to start the domino effect. When the guiding force touches your soul, one thought gets initiated which sets off another chain of thoughts.

When I was in a coma, this was what was happening to my soul and my guiding force was called 'Itovakopolo' or simply called 'Ito' or 'it'. According to human understandings, we can term Ito as a god or the creator of this finite world. When I got into that accident, I was on the verge of death. My heart was weak and I was injured badly. During one of my surgeries, my heart stopped and so I experienced a few hundred volts of electric shock currents on my chest to jumpstart it. In those moments I was dead until they revived me again. Time was a different concept in the cosmos. Ito created this concept just like all other dimensions. After the accident, when I regained my thought process, I had no idea where I was or what was happening. That's when I heard Ito for the first time. Ito was neither a he nor a she. Ito was a it, a genderless almighty existence. No physical form and no matter. It definitely wasn't any form of god that I ever had been witness to on earth.

Out of nowhere, a male human figure appeared in front of me. It looked like a male but it had made me aware of how it had no gender. Then it said, "Hello Hope Perez. You can identify me as Itovakopolo. I am termed according to the finite human understandings as God. Nice to meet you. I hope this form makes you feel more comfortable around me. According to my understanding, although you follow Christianity you do not believe in the existence of god but you are open to believing in the existence of a higher power. Am I right?"

I was a bit shocked. How did he know my beliefs? Who is he? I was very confused but I managed to ask him, "How do you know so much about me? Even my parents aren't aware of my beliefs in the non-existence of god."

"Hope, I am your guiding force. I created everything in this universe. I know everything. Now calm down and relax. Let me explain to you where exactly you are."

Ito tried to explain how I was in a coma and that I had an accident. All of this was very unreal. I always thought that death was very mysterious and intriguing. According to me, Death was the unventured territory to mankind but now that I am not dead nor alive, it was even more confusing. According to what I see, I am in a very fascinating place. There is no gravity. The entire place looks beautiful. I am in the form of my human body and not a ghost. I don't look dead like a zombie. I think I can fly but I don't want to take the risk. So far, there has been no sign of heaven or hell. All I see, are colors that I have never seen before and many blur spaces but I am positive that this is not death.

Ito continued to say, "So, all souls who are neither dead nor alive get the choice to live or die. I know your life. I have seen you ask questions about existence and death to so many people. I know that as a human being you have been very curious about concepts of life and death. I can see that your soul is not scared of being dead but I sense worries. You are worried about your family and friends. You worry about how they will respond to your death. That nature of yours is very pure and rare. You have lived a good life but Earth is a complicated planet. Should you choose to live, you won't get much time to live. A few years doesn't make much of a difference since you will be able to see your family once more even if you do die today. I think dying right now is a better option because should you go and live, you will be in pain. All humans die someday and your family will die too. You will be able to meet them in a couple of years. As for your sister, she will see you in a few weeks. So, what's your choice?"

This was a lot more to digest than one could ever imagine. If I was on earth, I would have had to sit down and take a deep breath but I felt fine. I wasn't breathing. Literally! I was very shocked because if you are dead, you are dead. How and why in the world would you ever get a choice to live again? Also, if I choose to live, I will be in pain and I would still die in a few years. That's utterly nonsensical! I think at that moment, I was in denial.

"Ito, you said that I would meet Emma in a few weeks. What do you mean by that? Is she going to die soon?"

"Unfortunately yes. She is the indirect reason for your death. This guilt will, unfortunately, kill her and it's not like you can save her from here. Her past karma needs to be nullified. She needs to atone for her sins. So, what must happen, will happen."

Shockingly I yelled, "I don't want her to die because of her guilt towards me. Please No! If she wants to atone for her sins, let her live and feel that guilt every day. That's true punishment. Her dying like this is more of a punishment for my parents."

"Can you forgive her? Her one action led to your death."

"No, I can't forgive her but I don't want her to die. If she needs to atone, let her atone by living. Let her remember me every single day and know what she did wrong. That is the only way she can atone for my death."

"It is your death, Hope. So you get the choice of your sister's life but this choice is something you can only make if you choose to live. She will die in a few weeks. You can't stop that if you are dead. Only if you choose to live, can she survive? Are you willing to do that?"

"Ito, this is a very horrible dilemma you are putting me through. You give me the choice of living to save my sister who is the indirect reason for my death or I can choose to die. If I do make that choice, I become the indirect reason for her death. What's the difference? In the end, both of us become an indirect reason for each other's deaths."

In a very calm tone, Ito replied, "The difference is your choice. Do you slap someone who slapped you first or do you forgive them and let it go?"

That question had confused me even more. Changing the topic, I asked, "If I die, when will I meet my family and friends?"

"You will meet all of them again once you finish being reincarnated one more time. After that, you can proceed to the ultimate stage of death."

I was really shocked when I heard that Emma was going to die in a few days and I was even more shocked that I would die once again in 783 days if I choose life. I want to save her but she led me to my death. How can I forgive her for that? If that really happens, my parents would lose both their children. Will they be able to handle this pain? After thinking about this for a very long time, I gave Ito my answer.

I told Ito, that I choose to live. I will live those few years and then die.

The last thing that Ito told me was, "Hope, I respect your choice. You will end up saving your sister from the death that awaited her a few weeks from now but 783 days later, you will be given a choice once again. A choice to test your decision. A test where there will be consequences on either of the choices you make. There will be no right or wrong answer but there will be consequences to each choice. Goodbye Hope Perez... I wish you luck."

After this, everyone knows what exactly happened. I chose to live. I was willing to die but I chose life. A life that would only last only for a few years. A life where I would have to save a sister who I have still not forgiven. A sister who was the indirect reason behind my death. I suffered a lot. My physical pain was horrible. The surgeries hurt and it was a very unpleasant experience but time passed. I lived and recovered. I finished all those painful sessions of physiotherapy and went back to college. I definitely, didn't remember Ito. You can't talk to the almighty guiding force, know when you are going to die, and still live life on earth like a normal human being. So all my memories of Ito vanished the very second I made my choice. Every conversation with Ito was erased and then I woke up in the hospital bed gasping for air.

That was my fate. A fate which I chose out of my own free will.